A little update

Hello everyone,
I haven't been feeling that well due to side effects from the chemo, hence the long delay in posting. I am feeling a bit better today but still struggle with the digestive issues due to the stent. It is very hard to stay away from raw fruits and vegetables. But if I don't, I really feel awful. My blood counts are dropping so I am somewhat confined to the house - and get tired easily.

I wanted to mention that my CA125 went down from 230 to 161! I am very encouraged about this and praise the Lord for His far-reaching mercy to me. Anna and her husband arrived last week and we have been enjoying them very much. My son Stephen is arriving today and Andrew arrives on the weekend sometime.

Anna and Stephen have been making smoothies from fresh fruit which somewhat satisfies my cravings - they make very healthy interesting concoctions.

It is hard to believe 2008 is over. How faithful the Lord has been through all the ordeals - floods, surgeries, and chemo. I sometimes wish His path choices were different, but as it says in Psalms 18:30 - As for God - His way is perfect ; The word of Jehovah is tried. He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.
Through the ordeals and the days with no ordeals, Jehovah has been a shield when I have taken refuge in Him. He is enterable! Isn't that wonderful? We can take refuge in God. Wow! Rather than fight against His way, when I say amen to what He has chosen, the way is open to enter into Him and then He shields me from the fiery darts that attack my mind.

1 Under His wings I am safely abiding;
Though the night deepens and tempests are wild,
Still I can trust Him, I know He will keep me;
He has redeemed me, and I am His child.

Under His wings, under His wings,
Who from His love can sever?
Under His wings my soul shall abide,
Safely abide forever.

2 Under His wings—what a refuge in sorrow!
How the heart yearningly turns to His rest!
Often when earth has no balm for my healing,
There I find comfort, and there I am blest.

3 Under His wings—oh, what precious enjoyment!
There will I hide till life's trials are o'er;
Sheltered, protected, no evil can harm me;
Resting in Jesus I'm safe evermore.

Please pray about the digestion and the stent and the pain that occurs whenever I have a meal. It is very uncomfortable - I spent most of today in a lot of pain. I ate a few clementines today thinking this would not aggravate the stent, but I was wrong. O Lord. My next chemo is scheduled for January 7th, 2009.

Much love dear ones,
Joanne

Another song in the night

Sorry - it is late, very late and the steroids are keeping me up - so the Lord has met me with a song in the night and I thought I would share it with you. It is based on Psalm 73:

PSALM 73

1 Surely God is good to Israel, To those who are pure in heart.

2 But as for me, my feet were nearly turned aside; My steps had almost slipped.

3 For I was envious of the arrogant, When I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 For they have no pangs in their death, And their body is well nourished.

5 They do not find themselves in the hardship of men, Nor are they plagued like other men.

6 Therefore pride is a necklace for them, Violence covers them like a garment.

7 Their eyes bulge out from fatness; The imaginations of their heart overflow.

8 They mock and wickedly speak of oppression; They speak loftily.

9 They set their mouth against the heavens, And their tongue walks about on the earth.

10 Therefore his people return here, And waters of abundance are drained by them;

11 And they say, How does God know? And is there knowledge with the Most High?

12 Behold, these are the wicked; And always at ease, they heap up riches.

13 Surely I have purified my heart in vain, And I have washed my hands in innocence.

14 For I have been plagued all day long And chastened every morning.

15 If I had said, I will speak thus; Behold, I would have betrayed the generation of Your children.

16 When I considered this in order to understand it, It was a troublesome task in my sight,

17 Until I went into the sanctuary of God; Then I perceived their end.

18 Surely You set them in slippery places; You cast them down into ruins.

19 How they are made desolate in a moment! They are utterly consumed by terrors.

20 Like a dream, when one awakes, You, O Lord, Upon arising, will despise their image.

21 When my heart was embittered, And inwardly I was pricked;

22 I was brutish and knew nothing; I was like a beast before You.

23 Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.

24 You will guide me with Your counsel, And afterward You will receive me in glory.

25 Whom do I have in heaven but You? And besides You there is nothing I desire on earth.

26 My flesh and my heart fail, But God is the rock of my heart and my portion forever.

27 For behold, those who are far from You will perish; You destroy all who go about as harlots away from You.

28 But as for me, drawing near to God is good for me; I have made the Lord Jehovah my refuge, That I may declare all Your works.

Here is the lovely hymn along with the tune: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=ns&n=287&f=mid


1 There are times in my life
When my heart is embittered.
There are questions unanswered,
Yet, You're drawing me

To enter
Into Your blessed sanctuary
And turning my eyes heavenward,
The questions of constant inquiry
Are changed to these words,

2 "Whom do I have in heaven
But You, dear Jehovah.
My flesh and my heart
Constantly fail,

But God's still
The strength of my heart and my portion;
To Him forever I'll draw near.
I've made Jehovah my sweet refuge.
So now throughout the years

3 Turn my view to see You,
How I need to see Jesus!!
Though I don't understand
The ways that You take;

Lord, make me
A babe and suckling always praising.
Enjoying Your worth day by day.
Let each experience constitute me
So Your life I'll display
In every way.

Oh, Lord, turn my view to see You! Though I don't always understand the ways you take. Help me to enjoy Your worth day by day, so Your life will be expressed in my each day. Amen.

Love, Joanne

Prayer request for Wednesday

Hi everyone
I will be having my next round of chemo this Wednesday. Please pray for the effectiveness of the chemo - to kill all the cancer cells and also for a minimum of side effects - last time I was really, really sick from the chemo and got pretty discouraged for a few days. This time around I am asking Dr. Berlin if I can take steroids for a day or two following the chemo treatment - it helps suppress side effects, which would be a good thing. Anna and her husband are coming home on Friday - so it will be great to see them again so soon. Stephen and Andrew will be coming home later on before New Year's - it is a real treat that Stephen can get a break from med school to come home.

I really enjoyed this verse and hymn today in the early hours of the morning, the main theme being a cry from the believer to grow in grace.

2 Peter 3:18 says:

18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and unto the day of eternity. Amen.

1 Unto him that hath Thou givest
Ever more abundantly;
Lord, I live because Thou livest,
Therefore give more life to me,
Therefore speed me in the race,
Therefore let me grow in grace.
Therefore speed me in the race,
Therefore let me grow in grace.

2 Deepen all Thy work, O Master,
Strengthen every downward root;
Only do Thou ripen faster,
More and more Thy pleasant fruit;
Purge me, prune me, self abase;
Only let me grow in grace.
Purge me, prune me, self abase;
Only let me grow in grace.

3 Let me grow by sun and shower,
Every moment water me;
Make me really, hour by hour,
More and more conformed to Thee,
That Thy loving eye may trace
Day by day my growth in grace.
That Thy loving eye may trace
Day by day my growth in grace.

4 From Thy fulness grace outpouring,
Show me ever greater things;
Raise me higher, sunward soaring,
Mounting as on eagle-wings.
By the brightness of Thy face,
Ever let me grow in grace.
By the brightness of Thy face,
Ever let me grow in grace.

5 Let me, then, be always growing,
Never, never standing still,
Listening, learning, better knowing
Thee and Thy most blessed will.
Till I win the glorious race,
Daily let me grow in grace.
Till I win the glorious race,
Daily let me grow in grace.

Link to tune: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=nt&n=394b&f=mid

This hymn is really such a marvelous prayer - deepen all Thy work, O Master - strengthen every downward root - this verse is so wonderful. As believers we have moment by moment opportunities to grow in grace. How wonderful. Whether by sun or by shower, O Lord, day by day may we grow in grace.

Thank you all for standing with me in this trial. I am sustained and supplied through your petition and the bountiful supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Hallelujah!

Love,
Joanne

Addendum to previous post

She did what she could....**This is actually a verse: Mark 14:8a: about Mary anointing the feet of the Lord Jesus with all she had - She has done what she could. Did you know that this account of what Mary did is recorded in all 4 gospels?

This reminds me of that wonderful footnote and song from Matthew 26:8:

8-1 The disciples considered Mary's love offering to the Lord a waste. Throughout the past twenty centuries thousands of precious lives, heart treasures, high positions, and golden futures have been "wasted" upon the Lord Jesus. To those who love Him in such a way He is altogether lovely and worthy of their offering. What they have poured upon Him is not a waste but a fragrant testimony of His sweetness.

Here is the song which is very lovely. Here's a link to the melody: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=ns&n=99&f=mid

1 Mary poured out her love offering
To many such love was a waste.
Throughout all of the centuries
Such lovers Your sweetness do taste.
Precious lives and heart treasures, too
Positions and golden futures,
Have been "wasted" on You, Lord;
Your sweetness a fragrance so sure.
She took opportunity
To love You; Lord, with her best.
Like her, Lord, I too would pour
My love and all that I have.

2 As I love You I set my being—
My spirit, my soul and body.
With my heart, my mind, and my strength,
Absolutely on Thee.
Lord, I let my entire being
Be occupied by Thee
As I enter in Your heart
I sense a fellowship sweet.
Occupied and lost in You;
My Lord, You're my everything.
Fellowship so intimate;
In spirit Lord I enjoy Thee.

3 Lord there's none in heav'n nor on earth
That I desire but Thee.
Though my heart and flesh faileth, Lord,
Thou ever my portion will be.
All is vanity, all is dung;
I count all other things loss;
Everything else drains my love
But You have captured my heart.
Lord, I've seen Thy preciousness,
Thy worth, Thy reality.
Now, my Lord, I must confess
My heart is only for Thee.

Watchman Nee wrote a chapter in The Normal Christian Life about Mary, called Waste. Here is an excerpt:

"She has done a noble deed to Me" (Matt. 26:10). "She has done what she could" (Mark 14:8). In other words, Mary laid down all that she had. We need to calculate the cost and spend everything on Christ. In other words, we should waste everything on Him. If we have not wasted ourselves completely on Him, we have not done enough yet. Thank the Lord that many people could have been very useful if they had not wasted themselves on the Lord. They could have become a famous writer, scientist, or doctor. But they wasted themselves totally on Christ. God is calling men to waste themselves on Christ! Friends, have you done all that you can do? The Lord said that Mary had done what she could! Have you done what you can? Wherever the gospel is proclaimed, the waste is also proclaimed. Wherever the gospel is proclaimed, many useful and great works of men will be stripped away for the Lord's sake, and the desire for result and fruit will be lost. Wherever the gospel is proclaimed, everything is poured on Christ. Whatever is poured on Christ is not a waste, but will bring genuine fruit. Thank the Lord that the poor and works count little. The point is not how much the poor will benefit or how much society and the nation will benefit, but what the Lord will gain. Today in the church, men ask what the poor, the society, and the nation will gain. But we should ask what the Lord will also gain. May the gospel be preached here and the story of Mary also be preached here, and may more Marys be raised up here.

Oh Lord, You are worthy!
Joanne

Update

Hi everyone,
Sorry for being so deliquent in updating the blog - I have been feeling exhausted this week and also still having to deal with the stomach pains, cramps and general uncomfortable feeling whenever I eat anything. Even drinking water causes pain. Since I have these stents, I am supposed to eat a very processed diet - the opposite of what I have been eating - one doctor called it "The Twinkie Diet". This diet should be composed of highly caloric processed foods - UGH - because I don't have to eat much to get a large amount of calories. While I haven't really taken this diet seriously, I have not been able to eat much fresh, raw foods without experiencing intense pain - so no fruit or vegetables. Everything has to be cooked or processed in the food processor - like baby foods or smoothies. Smoothies sound good - I just have to find some recipes that don't have milk - it seems that milk products cause stomach aches as well.

I saw Dr. Berlin today and found that my white and red counts are down (as expected) and that is the main reason for the exhaustion. My next round of chemo is on Wednesday, December 17. Please pray for the effective killing of the cancer cells and that the Lord, in His mercy would subdue some of the awful side effects from the chemo.

While I was in the hospital so many of you called/visited/prayed. I want you all to know how much you ministered life to me both physically and spiritually. How much we need one another as we go through all these suffering circumstances.

I am so grateful to the Lord for each day. His mercies are new every morning. His rich supply is like the manna - the fresh dew each morning. His grace is sufficient and is available for timely help. His throne is a throne of grace, where I can come boldly. Hallelujah! Again I enjoyed this great hymn by Fanny Crosby:

1 Redeemed—how I love to proclaim it!
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed through His infinite mercy,
His child, and forever, I am.

Redeemed, redeemed,
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed, redeemed,
His child, and forever, I am.

2 Redeemed and so happy in Jesus,
No language my rapture can tell;
I know that the light of His presence
With me doth continually dwell.

3 I think of my blessed Redeemer,
I think of Him all the day long;
I sing, for I cannot be silent;
His love is the theme of my song.

4 I know I shall see in His beauty
The King in whose way I delight;
Who lovingly guardeth my footsteps,
And giveth me songs in the night.


I especially enjoyed the lines I sing for I cannot be silent - His love is the theme of my song! I'm sure you all know about Fanny Crosby, but in case you don't - she was blind from a baby and wrote over 8,000 hymns in her lifetime. On her tombstone is inscribed "She did what she could."** Wow! You never sense in any of her hymns anything but rejoicing! What a wonderful testimony.

**see next post in blog.

Love you all,
Joanne

Home for Thanksgiving!

Because of all your prayers and petitions, I was home for Thanksgiving with my family and friends. Even though the floor I stayed on is very "spa-like", home is most definitely better! I am feeling the side effects of the chemo - so please pray for less nausea/fatigue as the Lord leads.

I had to go into Dana-Farber yesterday to have IV fluids since I was so dehydrated from the nausea/vomiting etc. from the chemo. I feel MUCH better today.

I found this hymn for Thanksgiving that I thought I'd share with you: it might be a repeat from last year - please forgive me if it is:
Here is a link to the tune: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=h&n=1342&f=mid

Our praise we are bringing
With hearts of thanksgiving,
With joy and with singing,
We thank You, O Lord.
Your goodness surrounds us,
Your power astounds us.
Our wonder abounds as
We thank You, O Lord.
Behind and before us,
You heal and restore us,
Your love evermore is
Our strength and our song.
Our praise we are bringing
With hearts of thanksgiving,
With joy and with singing
We thank You, O Lord.

For laughter and living,
Receiving and giving,
For love so suplifting,
We thank You, O Lord!
So freely You bless us,
You daily refresh us
Through people so precious.
We thank You, O Lord!
For tenderly caring,
For guiding and sharing,
For giving, for bearing
Through all of our needs.
Our praise we are bringing
With hearts of thanksgiving,
With joy and with singing
We thank You, O Lord.

The Bible is full of verses about how good it is to give thanks to the Lord, or to be thankful. Thank you Lord for Your bountiful supply which You so richly pour out on us daily.

Love you,
Joanne

Chemotherapy Tomorrow

My mom was moved over to the Connors wing at the Brigham and is back on floor 7. She calls it "the spa". She found out today that she will begin chemotherapy tomorrow. Her note to me says "I will be having chemo tomorrow-carboplatin and taxol. I was on these drugs before I had the IP chemo. Please ask the saints to pray for a complete defeat of the cancer." These two drugs have been tough in terms of side effects as well and my mom is getting ready to say goodbye to her hair. She will receive the chemo over 4 hours tomorrow and will probably be released to go home on Wednesday. Another treatment option they are considering is radiation to deal with the tumor under the duodenum but they will begin with the chemo tomorrow. Please pray that the chemo shrinks and kills the tumors.

Thank you for your continued prayer and support.

Stent Procedure Update

My dad just called to let me know that the procedure was over and my mom is now resting. The doctors believe it was successful. My mom was awake during most of it which was somewhat uncomfortable but regardless they completed the procedure. My dad mentioned that the doctor performing the procedure was Dr. Carr-Locke who is an expert in his field. He was able to put in two stents which overlapped and would allow to expansion. Two stents were necessary because of the length of the narrowed portion of the intestine affected by tumors. They were able to take the NG tube out and release some of the gas pressure which was good. Now, she is just resting from the endoscopic procedure and will work on getting her strength back so she can begin chemotherapy to shrink the tumors. She will begin with a diet of clear liquids and move to whole liquids. The hope is she will be ready to begin chemo sometime next week.

She now has three teams working on her case, the cancer team, the OB/GYN team, and now the GI team. She will be moving from the "Towers" at Brigham to the cancer floor in Connors. There she will have a private room and we know most of the nurses.

Thank you for continued prayer and support. We will keep you updated. If you are interested in visiting, please contact my dad or Mrs. Connors as they will have the most up-to-date information about how my mom is feeling and whether or not she can receive guests.

Thank you for your care for our family. My mom mentioned that she can sense the love of the Body.

Anna

Intestinal Stent Procedure

Today at 3:45pm my mom will have a stent procedure done. The doctors found tumors outside the upper part of her small intestine are pressing against it causing irritation and compromising proper function. Rather than surgery, they will do an endoscopic procedure in which they will place a stent in that part of the intestine to push it open and fortify it. The doctor is supposed to be one of the best but there is some concern that the the stent will shift or will not settle in the correct place. Please pray that the doctors are successful with the placement and that the stent helps restore the function of the small intestine so my mom can eat. They were hoping to begin chemotherapy today but cannot until she is able to eat.

The NG tube is still in place although 1000ml of fluid have been drained. My mom is still uncomfortable and somewhat anxious that about the procedure. Please pray for her comfort and her peace as well as the effectiveness of this stent.

Thank you.

Anna

Text received from my mom at 9:50AM

"Pls pray-pain is unbearable from nose tube. O Lord!"

They can't take out the tube until 1PM.

Thanks for praying.

NG Tube

My mom had an NG tube put in at 3:30AM to drain the fluid from her stomach. She is very uncomfortable but said that the NG tube has relieved some pressure and helped ease her nausea. Hopefully it will only remain in while her stomach drains. Doctors will meet today and give her their observations and recommendations. Pray that they are able to come to a swift decision and determine an effective course of action.

Thank you.

Update

I just spoke with my mom. She has a bad stomach ache and has heard no results from today's test. The doctors will be meeting tomorrow to discuss her case and make a recommendation for going forward. She wishes she could eat and asked that you pray that she would be able to rest.

Thanks.

Anna

Please pray.

From Anna:

On Sunday, my mom was brought to the emergency room because she was having abdominal pain and could not keep any food down. Her oncologist suspected some kind of bowel obstruction and sent her to the hospital. The doctors did another CT scan and an ultrasound but did not find the cause of the obstruction. My mom is in pain and is uncomfortable. She has been unable to take anything in. Tuesday, doctors deliberated on the next step and there was some disagreement concerning whether to perform an endoscopy (which is a scope of the digestive tract from the top). The oncologist wanted the procedure done and the gastroenterologist felt that the procedure was unnecessary. The oncologist prevailed and yesterday my mom had the endoscopy which did reveal what they believe to be the cause of the blockage. There appears to be a tumor or piece of scar tissue on the duodenem which connects the stomach to the rest of the small intestine. They were able to take some biopsies although they are not sure they actually biopsied the right tissue. Biopsy results take time and none have come back yet. Today, my mom did a barium swallow with a goal of tracking the path of the barium through a series of x-ray images. Unfortunately, this test was inconclusive because as her bowel system is obstructed, the barium did not move and has settled in her stomach.

Please pray for the doctors to gain some conclusive insight into what this obstruction is and to quickly determine a treatment plan. Pray that my mom would be a strong advocate for herself and that the communication between the doctors would be clear. Also, pray that the pain would be managed. My mom has not been able to eat, so please also pray that her system would not become too depleted and that she would be strong for the next step. Pray too for my dad as he cares for Elizabeth and my grandmother.

Thank you for your continued love and support. We appreciate the supply through the members of the Body.

Feel free to contact me with any questions: ms.annaharris@gmail.com

Anna

CT results

Hi Everyone,
I spent a rather eventful day at Brigham and Women's Hospital - I've been having a lot of stomach pain and Dr. Berlin recommended I go to the ER in case I had a bowel obstruction. I spent all day there and - they did not find any obstruction! I am still in some pain but thankful that there is no obstruction. I see Dr. Berlin tomorrow to discuss the details of the CT scan, but she called me last night and basically said "things are not moving in the direction we had hoped" so I have to go off the study drug and go on one of more standard chemo drugs starting next week, I think. I will have more details after speaking with Dr. Berlin tomorrow.

I walked out of the hospital and I had this chorus on my heart.

God is good all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good all the time
Through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good all the time

AMEN!

I'd better go to bed - I'll give an update after my meeting with Dr. Berlin. Thank you all for your continued prayers - I am sustained, uplifted and refreshed by them.

Much love,
Joanne

The Will of God

Hi Everyone,
I've been kind of fatigued with the chemo rounds but this week I am "off", and have a CT scan today to determine the effectiveness of this chemo. I have had 2 complete rounds (4 doses). I believe they will measure the tumor sites and see if they have changed - if they are the same size or smaller or have not grown more than 20%, I will continue on the trial. However, if they have grown more than 20%, most likely I will be put on another drug. I'll keep you posted. They are usually not very prompt about giving me CT scan results - so I may not hear anything until next week. This chemo has been very manageable, which is a real treat. I really forget that I am on it most days -- I am working with the nurses to manage some of the side effects - headache, diarrhea, and stomach pain can be treated with over the counter meds, but I often forget to take something. They strongly advised that I use these drugs so that I am not suffering from the chemo. My mom came home from the nursing home yesterday and is doing okay except for another flare up of the shingles blisters.

This week I have been thinking a lot about God's will. We have had some lively discussions in our family about God's perfect will and God's permissive will. This is somewhat confusing to me. So, I did some research. Here are a few verses from the New Testament:

Ephesians 5:17, Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

Colossians 1:9, Therefore we also, since the day we heard of it, do not cease praying and asking on your behalf that you may be filled with the full knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding,

Romans 12:1-2, “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service. And be not fashioned according to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

Matthew 6:10, Your kingdom come; Your will be done, as in heaven, so also on earth.

I read something from the book The Experience of Life, chapter 8, which helped me:

When we speak of God’s will, we must trace it to the desire of His heart. Ephesians 1:5-12 is one of the most important portions in the Bible concerning the will of God. It says that God in eternity has a plan, which is according to His good pleasure. This portion mentions three related items: “purpose,” “pleasure,” and “will.” Pleasure is of the heart, since the heart is an organ for delight. God has a heart as well as man. Therefore, God also has things of His pleasure, delight, and affection, which means that He also has His heart desire.

To attain His pleasure, He has a plan which He purposed to fulfill to reach His goal. This purpose is His will. Therefore, God’s will and His heart desire are the same. Anything not touching God’s heart desire is not His will.

For example, the Bible reveals that God’s heart desire from eternity is a group of people as the companions of His Son. To reach this goal, God planned the creation of heaven, earth, and man according to His pleasure. Then He created everything according to His plan. At that time creation became His will.

Plainly speaking, God’s will is His heart desire, planned according to His pleasure. From His viewpoint, anything hidden in God is His heart desire. From our viewpoint, when His heart desire is executed upon us, it becomes His will. Therefore, the will of God which comes upon us is His heart desire, because His will is derived from His heart desire.

Hence, if we want to understand the will of God, the preliminary requirement is that we must know the eternal plan of God. We must be clear concerning what God is going to do on this earth, in this age, and in this locality. When we are clear about these matters, then we are qualified to touch the will of God and ascertain what His will is for us today.

Some brothers and sisters, who are indeed born again and realize that they are God’s children, are ignorant and even unconcerned about what God is doing in this universe, what His economy is on this earth, and what His move is for this day. They themselves, their daily living, and their business as well are all for themselves, not for God. They are completely outside of God’s economy. Yet they pray daily for God’s will in their own living, behavior, and career. Consequently, the result of their inquiry is something of their own will, not God’s will. They neither know nor are they in the plan of God. Any such person has no way of understanding the will of God.

To understand the will of God, the basic problem we must solve is to realize that God, to whom we belong and whom we serve, has a great plan in the universe. He desires a group of people for the building up of the Body of Christ and a corporate man to be the mystical Bride of His Son. Furthermore, we need to know what God would do in our locality. If we touch the plan of God and place ourselves into the plan of God in this manner, we are taking God’s economy as our career. Thus, when we engage in business, teach, or whatever we do, we are for God’s economy; our entire living and all our actions are for His economy. Then we shall have the ground and qualification to touch God’s will and be clear about His guidance regarding all the affairs of our daily life.

Therefore, each one of us should first ask ourselves: Do I clearly see the economy of God on this earth? Do I really see what God desires to do in this locality today? Even though we pursue the growth of life, the fellowship in life, and the presence of the Lord, yet without knowing His economy, these afford us but a little spiritual enjoyment for ourselves and fall short of the will of God.

Before we see the plan of God, though He is in charge of our affairs and our living, we are only under God’s providential care, not under His will. When we have seen God’s plan, we dare not use the term “God’s will” in a light manner. We will not carelessly refer to trivial situations as being God’s will. We can only speak of these matters in general as God’s care for us.

This really helped me to realize that everything God does is according to His plan, His purpose. Everything we do must also be according to His will - His economy. Oh Lord, may we all gain you today, and having our being and our living according to Your heart's desire, Your purpose and Your plan.

Here is a favorite hymn of mine about the sweet will of God.

1 My stubborn will at last hath yielded;
I would be Thine, and Thine alone,
And this the prayer my lips are bringing,
"Lord, let in me Thy will be done."

Sweet will of God, still fold me closer,
Till I am wholly lost in Thee;
Sweet will of God, still fold me closer,
Till I am wholly lost in Thee.

2 I'm tired of sin, footsore and weary,
The darksome path hath dreary grown,
But now a light has ris'n to cheer me;
I find in Thee my Star, my Sun.

3 Thy precious will, O conqu'ring Savior,
Doth now embrace and compass me;
All discords hushed, my peace a river,
My soul a prisoned bird set free.

4 Shut in with Thee, O Lord, forever,
My wayward feet no more to roam;
What pow'r from Thee my soul can sever?
The center of God's will my home.

Amen, Lord - May Your will be done in us.

Much love,

Joanne

Quick update

I went to Dana-Farber yesterday and saw Dr. Berlin and the research nurses. Being in a clinical trial, I am seen by the doctor and the research team each week I have chemo. The CA-125 test is done once at the beginning of each round of chemo- so it was done on October 3rd and was 119. Yesterday it was 161. Dr. Berlin says not to be too concerned about it - that the real evaluator of how well the chemo is working will be the CT scan which is scheduled for Friday November 7, the week I don't have chemo. Of course, they do like to see the number come down. But I was told to just let it be for now and not worry about it since it is too early in the treatment to tell anything from those numbers. By the way, I am losing some hair but nothing dramatic - I have a huge amount so if the hair loss continues at this rate, I might not need to use a wig for a while. We'll see - hair loss is really not a huge issue now that I have been through it.

I read this excerpt from Twelve Baskets Full by Watchman Nee - it is very sweet and encouraging:

To have a true walk with God just one time can cause your heart to marvel and worship more than a hundred years of walking on this earth by natural sight. Your duty is to be at rest in God's hand under whatever circumstances there may be.

God reveals Himself when we are in need (Exo. 15:22-26). When we consider ourselves to be strong, we rely on our own strength, resulting in spiritual weakness. When we know how useless we are and thus rely on His strength, we are strong.

Difficulties provide the atmosphere for miracles and are the initial step to miracles. If there is to be a great miracle, what is encountered must not only be something hard, but something absolutely impossible to overcome. Whether the Lord has spoken or not, we can fully trust in a Savior who is without worry or fear.

If God leads you to walk a way that you know, it will not benefit you as much as if He would lead you to take the way that you do not know. This forces you to have hundreds and thousands of conversations with Him, resulting in a journey that is an everlasting memorial between you and Him.

Your Leader will lead you to walk an untrodden way, to go down a path you never dreamed of. He is afraid of nothing, and He wishes you to be afraid of nothing also. He is with you. In desperate situations it is His joy to see His children grasping His hands.

Enjoy the journey today!

Joanne

earthen vessels

Sorry for a delay in writing. I have been so tired lately - and have been visiting my mom at the nursing home in the evenings. She is not really much better as far as the pain she has from the shingles and this is very discouraging to her. She has had opportunities to sing and this has made her feel better about herself and her life, which is a blessing from the Lord. This Friday I start the second round of chemo which consists of 2 doses 1 week apart. Then I should have the CT scan to see how things are going. I didn't get any blood test results so I don't know about the CA-125. I also see Dr. Berkowitz on Friday. Please continue to pray that this chemo is effective. I do thank you for all your prayers - they are such a support and supply to me.

This week I read some verses from 2 Corinthians 4:7, 16-18:
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellency of the power may be of God and not out of us.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart; but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.

17 For our momentary lightness of affliction works out for us, more and more surpassingly, an eternal weight of glory,

18 Because we do not regard the things which are seen but the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Verse 7 really struck me. The footnotes for these verses are really amazing:

7-1(a): God's shining in our hearts brings into us a treasure, the Christ of glory, who is the embodiment of God to be our life and our everything. But we who contain this treasure are earthen vessels, worthless and fragile. A priceless treasure is contained in worthless vessels! This has made the worthless vessels ministers of the new covenant with a priceless ministry. This has been accomplished by the divine power in resurrection. The excellency of the power is surely of God and not out of us.

7-2: This treasure, the indwelling Christ, in us, the earthen vessels, is the divine source of the supply for the Christian life. It is by the excellent power of this treasure that the apostles as the ministers of the new covenant were capable of living a crucified life that the resurrection life of Christ, whom they ministered, might be manifested. Thus, they manifested the truth (v. 2) for the shining of the gospel.

There is a cross-reference to the word vessels:
Lamentations 4 : 2

2 The precious sons of Zion, Comparable to fine gold, How they are esteemed as earthen pitchers, The work of the hands of a potter.

A few years ago I was teaching a lesson to the children about our being a vessel. I researched how pottery is made - and I found the most incredible words used in explanations: how the clay is squeezed, cut, formed, shaped, thrown, opened, pulled, shaped again, trimmed, signed, dried, sanded, stacked and fired the first time, then dipped in hot wax, dipped in glaze, painted, stacked, loaded, fired again, cooled, and sanded to make the vessel prepared and useful. Doesn't this just explain our Christian life? We are all in the process somewhere - whether it is being squeezed, or shaped, or thrown, or dipped in hot wax - God's goal is just to make the earthen vessel useful to the master (2 Tim 2:21).

When you consider the events in life in this light, it helps to understand what is going on. We are in the Potter's able hands. Surely He knows what He is doing. We can rest in that fact and joyfully look forward to the day when we are ready for the Master's use.

When we feel especially earthen - it is okay because we are in the process of verse 7 - the Lord is helping us to realize that we are just that - earthen vessels - and He is the treasure. Watchman Nee once wrote about this in the booklet The Treasure in Earthen Vessels. I highly recommend reading it. Here are two excerpts:

Today I would like to say that no Christian has an earthen vessel that is earthy enough to prohibit the Lord's treasure from being manifested. No matter how weak we are, remember that the Lord's treasure is manifested in it. Therefore, we see a spiritual paradox in Paul and in us. Do we know what people said about Paul? They said that his speech was contemptible (10:10b), that he took them by guile (12:16), and that he was fickle and said "Yes, yes" and "No, no" (1:17). They said his letters were weighty and strong enough to terrify people (10:9-10). But paradoxically, God's treasure looks very good in such an earthen vessel. God's treasure would not look so nice without the earthen vessel. I am saying that Paul was a genuine man. Thank God that the Lord shined out, or broke out, from within him. He was not a man without feelings. But in his sorrow, he said, "I always rejoice." He was not rejoicing constantly or in sorrow constantly; rather, he constantly rejoiced in his sorrow.

Let me tell you that this is the special characteristic of Christianity. There is a smile while tears are flowing. Many Christians act better than Paul, but they do not live like a Christian. They only can praise the Lord; they are not like a Christian. Many Christians think they can attain a state of never being sorrowful or troubled. There are others who are continually sorrowful and troubled. This means that the treasure has not been expressed in them. But here we have a man through whom the Lord Jesus could pass. I have seen some of the Lord's most outstanding children. When I saw them, I immediately knew who they were and what kind of persons they were. But at the same time I knew what kind of persons they were before the Lord. Today we do not want to see any trace of the earthen vessel when we look at people. Sometimes, however, our eyes only see the earthen vessel. Those who know God, however, are able to see the treasure in earthen vessels when they look at God's children.

...

Finally, I would like to say that I especially thank God because no human weakness can limit God's power. What do we think in our hearts? We tend to think that if there is sorrow, there should not be joy; if there are tears, there should not be praise; if there is weakness, there should not be power; if there is pressing on every side, there should be constriction; if there is casting down, there should be destruction; and if there are doubts, we should be unable to believe. But tonight I would like to loudly declare that this is not true. God wants us to arrive at the point where we see that everything human is just an earthen vessel to contain God's treasure. Everything human is an earthen vessel for God's treasure. Nothing human is able to bury God's treasure. We do not need to be disappointed when we meet with disappointment. Although we cannot make it, we should allow something positive to come in, and when it does, it shines better, more brightly, and more gloriously. Many times we have doubts after praying, and we think that everything is finished. When faith comes, however, it magnifies the treasure despite the lingering presence of doubt. Faith makes the treasure more glorious. I am not speaking of an ideal; I know what I am saying. God's treasure can be expressed in earthen vessels. This is a spiritual paradox; it is precious to every Christian. It is in the context of this spiritual paradox that we live and learn to know our God.

As we journey along this way, we will discover the immensity of the spiritual contradiction that exists within us. As time goes on, we find this cleavage, this dividing gulf, is ever widening; the contradiction within us is ever accentuated. At the same time, the treasure is expressed ever clearer. The earthen vessel remains an earthen vessel. How wonderful this picture is! We find a man whose original traits remain intact, yet God gives him a patience far more excellent than his natural resilience. It is better to see a man in whom God has placed humility than to see a naturally reticent person. It is better to see a man in whom God has placed meekness than to see a person who is weak and impotent by nature. It is better to see a person in whom God's power resides than to see a naturally strong man. The inward difference is enormous. It matters little what kind of earthen vessel we have; the treasure can always go inside. The earthen vessel remains an earthen vessel, but it is now a filled vessel. All weak people think that they are too earthen; their vessels are too full of clay and they are without any hope. Please remember that we have no reason to be disappointed or troubled. Whatever is spiritual, strong, powerful, and comes from the Lord can be manifested in us and will shine brighter and be magnified through the earthen vessel. Since this is the case, we can see the importance of the treasure.

This is so encouraging to me! The point is the glorious treasure.

Here is a wonderful hymn about this matter:

1 Earthen vessel I was made,
Christ in me the treasure laid;
His container I must be,
As the content He in me.

2 In His image I was made,
Fit that Christ should all pervade;
Thus the vessel God did form
With the content uniform.

3 In my spirit He remains,
With His power He sustains;
As the Spirit one with me,
He is my reality.

4 Moving in me day by day,
Mingling with me all the way,
All my steps He regulates,
Every part He saturates.

5 Him expressing from within,
Making Him to others seen,
I transparent have to be
That He may be shown thru me.

6 Transformation is my need,
To be broken more indeed,
That the clay may change in form,
To the treasure to conform.

Lord, conform us more to the Treasure today.

Much love dear ones,
Joanne

chemo, apples and fall

Hi everyone,
I had the second dose of chemo on Friday and had the same response - a headache, some stomach pain, fatigue and intestinal issues. Please continue to pray that the chemo is doing its work - killing the cancer cells and that the side effects are not too much to bear.

I was able to go apple picking with my 2 daughters Anna and Elizabeth and 2 dear sisters Rebecca and Saralyn. It was quite a glorious day - no clouds, no wind, no humidity, not too hot - just perfect. We went up to Stow, MA and I was able to pick apples! We really enjoyed the beautiful leaves - I can't remember them being quite so glorious. It is really amazing that the leaves, once they have lose their chlorophyll turn such a vibrant color before they fall off the tree and die. This is quite a paradox - to be most beautiful in death, but then I thought about a hymn that goes along with this concept:

1 If I’d know Christ’s risen power.
I must ever love the Cross;
Life from death alone arises;
There’s no gain except by loss.

Chorus
If no death, no life,
If no death, no life;
Life from death alone arises;
If no death, no life.

2 If I’d have Christ formed within me,
I must breathe my final breath,
Live within the Cross’s shadow,
Put my soul-life e’er to death.

3 If God thru th’ Eternal Spirit
Nail me ever with the Lord;
Only then as death is working
Will His life thru me be poured.

Perhaps the Lord created this cycle as a reminder to us that His death was not a tragedy or a horrible death, but a glorious one. Through His death, His life was released. As the grain of wheat which fell into the ground to die, He brought forth many grains - much fruit. So His death is celebrated every fall by the leaves turning such vibrant colors. I guess it's the same with us - while it seems like a terrible thing to face - the cross - actually it sets us free from self-centeredness, self-love and self-seeking. The experience of the cross's terminating is a gateway to experiencing the divine life. Like the last verse of the hymn says, only then as death is working will His life through me be poured.

Take a moment to enjoy the leaves today and praise the One whom they glorify!



Much love,
Joanne

Update and more chemo tomorrow

Hi Everyone,
I got the Thyroid biopsy results back - no cancer!! Hallelujah! I have chemo again tomorrow. I haven't felt too bad this week, which is such a blessing. I am so thankful that I have been able to function. I've been able to go to work too, and even forget that I am on chemo. That is really amazing. My hair is still intact just a few strands falling out each day - nothing major- so perhaps after the next dose, it may start to fall out in greater quantity. Every time I lose a stand I think about the verse Luke 12:7 - But even the hairs of your head have all been numbered. Do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows. The Lord's database of hairs of my head will be getting updated a bit more frequently - but how wonderful it is to know that God is aware of every detail of our lives - even down to a falling strand of hair. He is so awesome.

This week I have been reading verses about not loving the world - and also about losing our soul-life in this age. It seems impossible on one hand to not love the world. So much out there is attractive to our soul - it has been designed by the god of this world to lure us and usurp our hearts. So how can we resist its attraction?
The verse that I read had to do with taking up the cross and following the Lord Jesus. The Lord took up the cross and then was crucified. But we, His followers, were crucified with Him first and then we bear the cross today. Why is this significant? I realized that the power to not love the world does not originate with us. It lies in the accomplished work of Christ on the cross. Galatians 6:14 says "But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom the world has been crucified to me and I to the world." So how do I access this power? By touching the Lord each day. Even by praying, "Lord, You know what I love - You know how strong my soul is. I just yield myself to You. May the killing work of the cross operate in me today. Don't let me get away - don't let me stay in my soul - cause me to remain in the accomplished work of Christ today." This is not asceticism or just a denial of the self by the power of the self but rather something dynamic - it is rather to remain under the killing of the cross of Christ.

There are so many wonderful hymns about the cross of Christ. But this morning I enjoyed this hymn especially:

1 Drawn to the Cross which Thou hast blest,
With healing gifts for souls distrest,
To find in Thee my Life, my Rest,
Christ crucified, I come.
Stained with the sins which I have wrought
In word and deed and secret thought;
For pardon which Thy Blood hath bought,
Christ crucified, I come.

2 Weary of selfishness and pride,
False pleasures gone, vain hopes denied,
Deep in Thy wounds my shame to hide,
Christ crucified, I come.
Thou knowest all my griefs and fears,
Thy grace abused, my misspent years;
Yet now to Thee, for cleansing tears,
Christ crucified, I come.

3 I would not, if I could, conceal
The ills which only Thou canst heal;
So to the Cross, where sinners kneel,
Christ crucified, I come.
Wash me, and take away each stain,
Let nothing of my sin remain;
For cleansing, though it be through pain,
Christ crucified, I come.

4 To share with Thee Thy life divine,
Thy very likeness to be mine,
Since Thou hast made my nature Thine,
Christ crucified, I come.
To be what Thou wouldst have me be,
Accepted, sanctified in Thee,
Through what Thy grace shall work in me,
Christ crucified, I come.

How wonderful!
Much love to all of you,
Joanne

First Day of Chemo

Hi Everyone,
I had my first dose of chemo - which takes only 15 minutes to infuse - but almost 4 hours to wait! I saw the research team and I signed up for another trial which just requires blood and urine samples - they are looking for any other markers in women with ovarian cancer - I am happy to participate in this kind of study. This morning I'm feeling kind of yucky but nothing like after the platinum chemos, carboplatin and cisplatin. I'm having usual side effects but hopefully these will quiet down. I was sustained by all the prayers yesterday and will continue to be sustained by the bountiful supply of the Spirit. God is so faithful. I am praying that this drug is able to keep the cancer from increasing. My CA-125 went up to 119 and the CT scan from last week showed mild progression of the disease. Overall, the spots they were keeping track of have grown (the implant on the paracolic gutter, several spots on the transverse colon, and also the vaginal cuff all have grown and are indicative of mild recurrence. The growth has been slight - a few millimeters. But anything over 1 centimeter is measured and tracked. The goal with this trial is to maintain that baseline and not have more than 20% growth overall. Through all of this I am learning to live in the unseen realm where CA-125s and CT scan results are not reality. The Lord Jesus crucified on the cross sin, death, the world, Satan, and sickness. He is Lord and I am praying that His plan, His perfect will would be carried out. I am so encouraged when I set my mind on these things. It is hard when the mind likes to drift off to the land of "what ifs", anxieties and fear. Praise the Lord that perfect love casts out all fear. There are 2 verses in 1 John that speak about perfect love.

The first verse is in 1 John 4:12:

12 No one has beheld God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.

The footnote for perfected is:

12-4 The Greek word means to complete, to accomplish, to finish. In God Himself the love of God itself is perfect and complete. However, in us it needs to be perfected and completed in its manifestation. It was manifested to us in God's sending of His Son to be both a propitiatory sacrifice and life to us (vv. 9-10). Yet if we do not love one another with this love as it was manifested to us, that is, if we do not express it by loving one another with the love with which God loved us, it is not manifested perfectly and completely. This love is perfected and completed in its manifestation when we express it in our living by habitually loving one another with it. Our living in which we love one another in the love of God is the perfection and completion of this love in its manifestation in us. Thus, in our living in God's love, others can behold God manifested in His essence, which is love.

The other verse was 1 John 4:18:
18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear because fear has punishment, and he who fears has not been perfected in love.

The key is to allow God's love to be perfected in us - this casts out fear.

So I will just keep praying Jude 1:21 - Lord, Keep me in the Love of God.

Jude 1:21

21 Keep yourselves in the love of God, awaiting the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

The love of God is a great place to be..

Here is one of my favorite hymns on this wonderful topic:

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Refrain

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.



May God's love be your dwelling place today!

Joanne

The Details

Hi Everyone,
I guess I need to fill you all in - my mom ended up at the hospital with a severe urinary tract infection and bronchitis, which caused an altered mental status - she was really delusional and was in the hospital for 5 days. She was moved last week to a skilled nursing facility where they were able to monitor her. So I've been visiting her each day - she seems a bit confused and scared to be alone there. The construction on the house is just about complete. It is hard to believe but I can testify that the Lord's grace is more than sufficient - through the flood, the disorganization of everything, the moving of contents of rooms etc. He is the sure supply.

Today I have the fine needle biopsy - it was moved up from last week to today. This shouldn't be painful - but I've had this before many years ago and I remember it wasn't entirely pain free. O Lord. Tomorrow I begin the clinical trial. The infusion of the chemo drug isn't very long - only about 30 minutes. But I have to see Dr. Berlin and have blood tests etc. prior to the infusion - that always takes a long time. My visit with her and the other research nurse Christin was a really good visit. I also saw Irene, the social worker who didn't know about my change in status. The support at Dana-Farber is excellent. But I know I am being sustained and carried by the prayers of all the faithful saints.

I have been enjoying the Gospel of Luke lately and really saw something about the difference between happiness and joy. The verses I was reading were
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:
16 Always rejoice,
17 Unceasingly pray,
18 In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
How can we always rejoice? Only if the source of our rejoicing is something in another realm..if the primary factor in our lives is God Himself, then we can rejoice regardless of the circumstances. Happiness is so conditional - it is based on our circumstances. If anyone or anything other than God Himself becomes the primary factor in our lives, we will become enslaved to that thing and we will lose our joy. How we need to get ourselves into God each morning and pray to stay there - like the verse in Acts 17:28a: In Him we live, move and are..
If God is the primary factor in our lives, then whether we are healthy or not, we can rejoice, whether we have a job or not, we can rejoice! We rejoice because our center and focus is God alone. This is another aspect of the Jubilee - the freedom from slavery to things working out okay. If the Son sets us free, we are REALLY FREE! Hallelujah!

There a little song I love to pray to the Lord. Here is link to the tune: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=ns&n=116&f=mp3

Lord, I give myself to You right now.
I want to be occupied with You.
I leave all else behind
And concentrate my being on You alone.
Lord You are my focus.
You are my goal.
Lord, I give myself to you right now.

Of course, the wonderful hymn I posted a couple of posts ago still applies - Glorious Freedom! Wonderful Freedom! Take a moment to enjoy that great hyman again.

One simple way to enjoy the freedom that is in Christ alone is simply to call on His name - O Lord Jesus - Just breathe His name. Proverbs says that the name of the Lord is enterable - we can flee into it and be safe (Proverbs 18:10).

Enjoy being free today!
Much love,
Joanne

This week

Hello everyone,
This will be a packed week. My mom is still in the rehab facility, Clark House in Westwood MA. They are keeping her there while they watch to see if the UTI is completely gone so they can begin giving her coumadin again. She seems okay at times but rather scared and anxious. I was able to pray for her which I think helped her calm down. Thusday, Oct 2 I have a fine needle biopsy of the nodule on the thyroid. As I HATE needles, I hope this will not be too traumatic. Friday begins the clinical trial drug E7389 (eribulin mesylate). Please pray that all goes well - not much side effects and lots of dead cancer cells! I must go to bed - my eyelids are closing - I will post more tomorrow. Love you all, Joanne

Next round of treatment and the Jubilee

Hi Everyone,
I finally have an idea of what is happening next with the treatment. I have decided to do the clinical trial - even though I have to stop the herbs - I can still take nutritional supplements like vitamins - which I am going to continue to take. I have to go to Dana-Farber on September 26 for a CT scan, EKG and blood work as well as meet with Dr. Berlin and the research nurses about the trial. The first infusion will be on October 3rd. I have two weeks of infusion and one week off. Since this is a clinical trial, the side effects are not well known - but there is a list - the major ones that are the most common are fatigue, low white blood cell count and nausea. Other reported side effects include hair loss--so my "gorgeous" curls might have to go. I am still planning to work at school but may have to wear a mask and also may be kind of tired some days. On October 9, I have the thyroid aspiration scheduled (biopsy of the nodule). Please pray for me - as I have told the Lord, I am not really brave and long needles going into my neck can cause a bit of panic.....
My mom is still suffering from much pain due to the shingles. She is getting worn out and seems to think it is her fault. The construction for her "room" downstairs is not complete yet and she has to climb the stairs which is very, very painful. Her doctor prescribed a stronger pain med which hopefully will help her.
Recently my daughter asked me why the Lord allows so many things to happen to us at once - she wondered why they can't be staggered with a brief respite in between. This is a reasonable question. I have often asked the Lord "What can You gain if you crush me altogether?" Then this week I read something really quite wonderful about the Jubilee. In case you don't know what the Jubilee is, here are some verses from Leviticus 25:8-17 which describe it:
Leviticus 25 : 8 ---- Leviticus 25 : 17

8 And you shall count off seven Sabbaths of years to yourself, seven times seven years, so that you have the time of seven Sabbaths of years, that is, forty-nine years.

9 Then you shall sound aloud the ram's horn in the seventh month on the tenth day of the month; on the Day of Expiation you shall sound the trumpet throughout all your land.

10 And you shall sanctify the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout the land to all its inhabitants. It shall be a jubilee for you; and each of you shall return to his possession, and each of you shall return to his family.

11 The fiftieth year shall be a jubilee for you; you shall not sow nor reap its aftergrowth nor gather from its unpruned vines.

12 For it is a jubilee; it shall be holy to you. You shall eat its produce out of the field.

13 In this year of jubilee each one of you shall return to his possession.

14 And if you sell anything to your fellow countryman or buy from the hand of your fellow countryman, you shall not wrong one another.

15 According to the number of years after the jubilee you shall buy from your fellow countryman; according to the number of crop years remaining he shall sell to you.

16 According to the extent of the years you shall increase its price, and according to the fewness of the years you shall diminish its price; for it is the number of crop years that he sells to you.

17 And you shall not wrong one another, but you shall fear your God; for I am Jehovah your God.

Essentially, the jubilee, or the 50th year, was a special year in which all the slaves were to be set free and all of God's people would return to their possession. Then in Isaiah 61:1-2 the acceptable year of the Lord is mentioned. This year is the Jubilee year. Then in Luke 4, the Lord Jesus says "18 "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to announce the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to send away in release those who are oppressed,
19 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, the year of jubilee.''
20 And when He rolled up the scroll and gave it back to the attendant, He sat down. And the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on Him.
21 And He began to say to them, Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.

I realized that the Jubilee was not just for the children of Israel - is not just historical - but as the Lord Jesus said - it has been fulfilled in Him. He is the Jubilee. Only when we receive the Lord jesus as the real jubilee in us can we be delivered from the bondage of sin and Satan to have real freedom and rest. I read something from an outline on the Jubilee published in the Crystallization-Study of the Gospel of Luke (Living Stream Ministry). This was quite encouraging and enlightening to me:

"Jubilee means having no worry or anxiety, no concern or care, no lack or shortage, no sickness or calamity, and no problems whatsoever, but rather having all benefits; hence, all things are pleasant and satisfying to our heart, and we are free from anxiety, at ease, excited, and exultant...If our heart is set on any person, thing, or matter other than the Lord, this is idolatry, and the end is wretchedness. If we allow Christ to live in us and we live by Him, everything is to our satisfaction; otherwise, everything is a problem, and nothing is a jubilee. Everything can be satisfying to us only after we have gained the all-inclusive Christ as our enjoyment; it is not outward persons, matters, or things, but Christ within us who enables us to be calm and free of worries as we face all kinds of situations."

The reality of the Jubilee is the Lord Jesus. If I am found in Him, I am released from prison, set free from whatever enslaves me and also I have my inheritance, my portion. So the Jubilee is not an event but a Person. In order to enter into the reality of the Jubilee we need to spend time with the Lord in the Word. I pray that we all can enter into this reality. If we set our being absolutely upon Him, and not upon anything else, then we will not be disappointed. All those things enslave us. Only the Lord Jesus sets us free.

Here is a wonderful hymn that I enjoy so much:

1. Once I was bound by sin’s galling fetters;
Chained like a slave, I struggled in vain.
But I received a glorious freedom,
When Jesus broke my fetters in twain.

Refrain

Glorious freedom! Wonderful freedom!
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus the glorious Emancipator—
Now and forever He shall be mine.

2. Freedom from all the carnal affections;
Freedom from envy, hatred and strife;
Freedom from vain and worldly ambitions;
Freedom from all that saddened my life!

Refrain

3. Freedom from pride and all sinful follies;
Freedom from love and glitter of gold;
Freedom from evil temper and anger;
Glorious freedom, rapture untold!

Refrain

4. Freedom from fear with all of its torments;
Freedom from care with all of its pain;
Freedom in Christ, my blessèd Redeemer—
He Who has rent my fetters in twain.

Refrain

There is a song by Michael Card Jubilee - which is also quite wonderful

The Lord provided for a time for the slaves to be set free
For the debts to all be cancelled so his chosen ones could see
His deep desire was for forgiveness, he longed to see their liberty
And his yearning was embodied in the year of jubilee

Jubilee, Jubilee
Jesus is the Jubilee
Debts forgiven, Slaves set free
Jesus is our Jubilee

At the Lord’s appointed time, his deep desire became a man
The heart of all true jubilation and with joy we understand
In his voice we hear a trumpet sound that tells us we are free
He is the incarnation of the year of jubilee

Jubilee, Jubilee
Jesus is the Jubilee
Debts forgiven, Slaves set free
Jesus is our Jubilee

To be so completely guilty and given over to despair
To look into your Judge’s face and find a Savior there

Jubilee, Jubilee
Jesus is the Jubilee
Debts forgiven, Slaves set free
Jesus is our Jubilee

So enjoy the glorious freedom we have in the person of Christ today!
Much love,
Joanne

CA-125, thyroid and the choragus

Hi Everyone,
I got the results of the CA-125 blood test - it is up - to 59. Dr. Berlin hasn't called about what to do next, so I am going to call her today. The thyroid ultrasound showed growths that need to be biopsied, which will happen on October 9 at 8:45 am. The radiologist did say that the growths didn't look "nasty", so he thought it would be highly unlikely that they are malignant. He also said that it is unlikely that the ovarian cancer would reappear in the thyroid. So I am not worried. I only have a small part of my thyroid left, since most of it was removed about 13 years ago due to nodules and growths which were not malignant. Also, last Friday, my mom came to live with us - she has a bad case of shingles and is in a lot of pain right now. But overall I am glad she is with us. We are creating a room and bathroom for her downstairs so she won't have to use the stairs.

This summer and now fall have been full of unexpected challenges. I am reminded of the verse in Philippians 1:19:

19 For I know that for me this will turn out to salvation through your petition and the bountiful supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,

Footnote 19-3: The Greek word refers to the supplying of all the needs of the chorus by the choragus, the leader of the chorus. The bountiful supply of the all-inclusive Spirit enabled Paul to live and magnify Christ in his sufferings for Him.


Here is an excerpt from General Sketch of the New Testament in the Light of Christ and the Church, A - Part 2: Romans through Philemon.

The Bountiful Supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ

Verse 19 of chapter one is another verse which is very precious yet very much neglected by Christians today. This verse speaks of the bountiful supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Conybeare tells us that the Greek word for supply is a technical word, referring to the choragus, the leader of the chorus on the Greek stage. The choragus was responsible to supply all the needs of the members of the chorus. Their clothing, food, musical instruments, and everything they needed was provided by the choragus. Paul used this same word to describe the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Therefore, this word may be rendered as bountiful supply, a supply that meets all our needs.

The term the Spirit of Jesus Christ is richer than the Spirit of God. The Spirit of God at the beginning of the Old Testament was not as rich as the Spirit of Jesus Christ after Pentecost. In the Old Testament times, within the Spirit of Jehovah there were not the elements of the humanity of the Lord Jesus, His suffering in His human life, the effectiveness of His death, and the power of His resurrection. However, on the day of Pentecost the Spirit was poured out from the ascended Christ, and within this Spirit were all these elements.

A cup of plain water contains only the water, but if we add tea, sugar, and other ingredients, the water becomes richer. This is a picture of the bountiful supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ. To speak only of the Spirit of God is not sufficient; today the Spirit of God is the Spirit of Jesus Christ. In this Spirit there is divinity, the heavenly element, and there is also humanity, the suffering of the Lord Jesus in His human life on earth, His crucifixion, and His resurrection.

The Spirit of Jesus Christ may be compared to an all-inclusive dose of medicine. When we take this dose, one element kills germs, another element supplies nourishment, and other elements supply other needs. The reason that Paul could live Christ and magnify Him, the reason he was able to say, “For to me, to live is Christ,” is that he had the bountiful supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ. As a member of the “chorus,” Paul was bountifully supplied by the Choragus. This is the proper meaning of Philippians 1:19.

We also are members of the “chorus,” and the Holy Spirit is the choragus to satisfy all our needs. We are human beings, and within the Spirit is the human nature. We are suffering on the earth, and within Him there is the element of the suffering of human life. We need the cross as our killing element, and within the Spirit there is this element. We also need His resurrection power, and within the Spirit of Jesus Christ there is this power. Whatever we need today is in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. By the bountiful supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ we can live Christ to magnify Him, and we can say, “For to me, to live is Christ.”

It is so wonderful that today we have the Spirit as the choragus to meet all our needs with the bountiful supply.

Here's a great hymn about the supply of the Spirit. It has many verses and can be a great way to praise the Lord by praying each of the verses:

1 Gracious Lord, Thy name “I AM” is,
Precious name, how rich and full ‘tis,
All-inclusive, faithful too ‘tis-
All we need, Thou art!

2 Thou the Son, the Father in Thee,
As the Spirit now indwell me,
That the riches of Thyself we
May experience.

3 Thou the Temple for God’s dwelling,
Thou the Father’s life e’er telling;
We in Thee with joy excelling
Face to face see Him.

4 Thou the Lamb and Thou the Bridegroom,
For the bride Thou sufferedst sin’s doom,
Wounded, crucified in our room;
Thus we find our rest.

5 Thou art wisdom and the way, Lord,
Thou our lives dost plan each day, Lord,
Grace to us Thou dost convey, Lord,
In Thy path to walk.

6 Pure and holy, righteous Thou art,
One with God, well-pleasing His heart,
Thou within to us dost impart
Harmony with God.

7 Thou art life and Thou art light, Lord,
Death hast swallowed, banished night, Lord,
Thou hast quickened, given sight, Lord;
We are now set free.

8 Thou art resurrection power,
Thou the conqu’ror in hell’s hour;
Thou dost us with might empower
Over all to reign.

9 Living water, food supply, Lord,
Thou Thyself art, and didst die, Lord,
All our want to satisfy, Lord;
Now we feast on Thee.

10 Thou the Shepherd and Physician,
Thou hast healed our sick condition;
Comfort, guide, protect-Thy mission;
Thou dost care for us.

11 Priest and King Thou art fore’er, Lord;
Into God we’re brought, and there, Lord,
Thine authority we share, Lord;
What an honored place!

12 Thou our Hope and our Redemption,
Thou wilt change our old creation,
Make of Thee a duplication,
Thus Thyself express.

13 Thou our Joy, our Peace, our Glory;
Truth, and Grace, the Rock, the Life-tree,
Building, Mountain, Sun, and Shield-we
Ne’er can tell it all.

14 What Thou art-eternal, boundless,
Full and perfect, rich, exhaustless-
Meets our need to utter fullness
And from us o’erflows.

Lord, You are eternal, boundless, rich and exhaustless - and You meet our need to utter fullness. Praise You!

Keep praying for wisdom concerning the clinical trial and also for strengthening to apprehend all that is being supplied to us.

Much love,
Joanne

PET/CT Scan Update

Hi Everyone,
Paul and I met with Dr. Berlin yesterday and she gave me the report on the PET/CT scan. I had thought that this scan would definitely give me a scoop on the implants etc. However, because I had surgery in May, it complicates things. For those of you
who don't know how a PET scan works - here's my understanding. (For those of you who do, please forgive my rather simplistic understanding....) I had to drink radioactive glucose after fasting for 6 hours. I waited one hour and then I had a CT Scan (real
quick one) and then the PET scan. The PET scan picks up places in my body that have a rapid uptake of glucose. Many parts of the body have this - like the kidneys, ureters, heart. But most other places done. This places with rapid uptake light up on the grayish image as bright spots. They look at these places (other than the ones they know should be bright like the heart, for example) on the CT scan to see if they match anything on the CT scan - if they do, then this could be cancer. Inflammation can light up - and since I am 3 months post surgery, there's a good chance I have inflammation in the abdominal area which then makes it harder to determine what is cancer and what is not. So, here is what they found.

There were 3 spots on the liver but these did not show on the CT scan so they seem to indicate metastatic disease but this can't be confirmed. There was rapid uptake along the transverse colon which could also indicate metastatic disease but could be
inflammation from the surgery or from the injection sites from the lovenox. The implant that showed up in the CT scan in July has grown in size and had rapid uptake so this is recurrent disease. Dr. Berlin feels it was always there, only now it can been seen by the CT scan. There was a large neoplasm (new growth) on the thyroid - I had half of my thyroid removed many years ago because of nodules, and there is a new growth on the remaining portion of the thyroid which needs to be followed up with an ultrasound, which I will be having on September 8. There were other sites which they felt were inflammation from the hernia repair. So over all, there is a small amount of recurrent disease but it is not widespread. My CA-125 is at 39 (out of the normal range), so it has really gone up quite a bit - it doubled in one month. She said that this increase is not related to the amount of the disease that is present, but rather to the increase in cellular activity that produces a protein that this blood test measures. She recommended getting another blood test to see how the CA-125 is doing. If it is up to 75, then we need to proceed with treatment. If it levels out, then we can wait. She gave me information about a clinical trial, which looks manageable but if I go on this, I cannot take any herbs - which is concerning. Please pray about the direction we should take. WHile I was disappointed at the
results, I was also rejoicing at what the Lord has done. He is the great physician. I feel that I need to be more strict with the diet - I have been having more fruit that I should - and, by the Lord's grace, I will try to eliminate more inflamation-producing foods. This is a challenge but His grace is sufficient. Dr. Berlin said that I need to stay busy and realize that our goal is to keep the cancer stable and not increasing. My goal is to live to be 90!

My mom is coming to live with us soon, so that will keep me busy. We are still trying to finish up the house - it has been so challenging. I feel like I live in a rubic's cube - we keep switching the contents of rooms around from one place to another. I now have a ceiling in the living room! We will make some alterations to the living room and the bathroom to accommodate my mom when she comes.

Here are some "breadcrumbs" that I have been enjoying lately:

Recently I heard something about Ephesians 2:10, which really was quite profound. Here's the verse:

Ephesians 2 : 10

10 For we are His masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand in order that we would walk in them.

The question was asked, why does it say at the end of the verse - that we should walk in them? Why not, work in them? It is really interesting to realize that we were created in Christ Jesus for good works - but not any good works - not good works that I think God would appreciate, but the good works that He has prepared beforehand...so we can walk in them. It's not our effort, our doing, but just our being one with the Lord to do His will. Isn't that wonderful?

Another wonderful type in the Old Testament is the compound ointment. I was speaking with a friend recently about how we have all that God is in our spirit when we receive the Lord. This is represented by the compound ointment in Exodus 30:23-25:

23 You also take the finest spices: of flowing myrrh five hundred shekels, and of fragrant cinnamon half as much, two hundred fifty shekels, and of fragrant calamus two hundred fifty shekels,

24 And of cassia five hundred shekels, according to the shekel of the sanctuary, and a hin of olive oil.

25 And you shall make it a holy anointing oil, a perfume compounded according to the perfumer's art; it shall be a holy anointing oil.

Here is an excerpt about this wonderful ointment and how it applied to us:

THE COMPOUNDED SPIRIT—THE COMPOUND SPIRIT TYPIFIED BY THE COMPOUND OINTMENT

The compounded Spirit is the compound Spirit typified by the compound ointment (Exo. 30:22-31). An ointment is composed of some elements compounded with oil. In the old edition of the Newberry Bible, there is a note in Exodus 30 that says the anointing oil refers to the Holy Spirit. The Newberry Bible was put out by the open Brethren. The Lord went on to show us that the Spirit, typified by the ointment, is a compound Spirit. The Brethren saw that the anointing ointment in Exodus 30 is the Holy Spirit, but they did not see that this Holy Spirit, as typified in Exodus 30, is a compound Spirit. This Spirit is compounded with a number of elements.
Man and God Compounded Together

The compound ointment is composed first of a hin of olive oil. Then four spices are added to the oil. These spices, or elements, are myrrh, cinnamon, calamus, and cassia. When these four elements are blended with the oil, they become a compound ointment. The one hin of olive oil is compounded with four elements. The number one refers to the unique God, and the number four refers to the creatures. Among the creatures, man takes the lead, so we can say that the number four refers to man. Man is typified by the four spices of the plant life. The compounding of the four spices with the oil signifies that man and God are compounded together.

Flowing Myrrh—the Sweet Death of Christ

Flowing myrrh refers to the sweet death of Christ. His death is a positive death. The only death in the whole universe that is positive is Christ’s death. The death of Christ is sweet.

Sweet Cinnamon—the Sweet Effectiveness of Christ’s Death

Sweet cinnamon typifies the sweet effectiveness of Christ’s death. The positive death of Christ signified by myrrh is very fragrant, full of cinnamon. Cinnamon adds flavor and sweetness to food. If we are not experiencing Christ’s death, our life is not very sweet. When a husband and wife quarrel, that is not sweet. How can they neutralize such a situation? They need to put the death of Christ into their marriage life. Then their marriage life will be sweet. If a person does not have the cross in his daily life, it will be hard to get along with him. The sweet death of Christ needs to be added to our daily life.

Sweet Calamus—the Power of Christ’s Resurrection

The third element added to the oil is sweet calamus, which signifies the power of Christ’s resurrection. Calamus is a reed that grows in a marsh or a muddy place. Even though it grows in a marsh, it is able to shoot up into the air. According to the sequence of the spices, calamus signifies the rising up of the Lord Jesus from the place of death. The Lord was put into a marsh, into a death situation, but in resurrection He rose up and stood up.

Cassia—the Flavor of the Power of Christ’s Resurrection

Cassia signifies the flavor of the power of Christ’s resurrection. In ancient times, cassia was a repellent to insects and snakes. Only the power of the resurrected Christ can repel all the evil “insects” and especially the old serpent, the devil.

The Triune God Typified by the Three Units of Five Hundred Shekels

In the compound ointment, there are five hundred shekels of myrrh, two hundred fifty shekels of cinnamon, two hundred fifty shekels of calamus, and five hundred shekels of cassia. In between the five hundred shekels of myrrh and the five hundred shekels of cassia are two items of two hundred fifty shekels. These two added together form one unit of five hundred shekels. Eventually, we may say that there are three units of five hundred shekels in the compound ointment. The middle unit is split into two parts. This is very meaningful. Among the Three of the Trinity, the Son, typified by the second unit of five hundred shekels, was “split,” crucified, on the cross. The three units of five hundred shekels typify the Triune God, and the Triune God went to the cross in the second person of His Trinity, in the Son.

Here is a hymn I really enjoy about the wonderful Spirit. It is important to realize that today the Lord is the Spirit (2 Cor. 3:17: And the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.)


1 O Lord, Thou art in me as life
And everything to me!
Subjective and available,
Thus I experience Thee.
Chorus
O Lord, Thou art the Spirit!
How dear and near to me!
How I admire Thy marvelous
Availability!

2 To all my needs both great and small
Thou art the rich supply;
So ready and sufficient too
For me now to apply.

3 Thy sweet anointing with Thy might
In weakness doth sustain;
By Thy supply of energy
My strength Thou dost maintain.

4 Thy law of life in heart and mind
My conduct regulates;
The wealth of Thy reality
My being saturates.

5 O Thou art ever one with me,
Unrivaled unity!
One spirit with me all the time
For all eternity!

So for all my needs, both great and small He is the rich supply. I am learning to allow the Spirit to take control and to cast all my cares upon the One upon whom I live.

Praise Him!

Much love,
Joanne

update - and God's thoughts

Hello everyone,
August 19
So sorry for the delay in writing. I have been in New York helping care for my mom who was in the intensive care unit. She is doing better but is still in the hospital.

I have a PET/CT scan today which will help clarify some spots on the CT scan that looked like recurrences. I will meet with Dr. Berlin next week (the 26th) to discuss the scans. My CA-125 went up again but I don't have the number.

I began writing a blog entry last week before my mom was hospitalized. Here is what I started writing. I will try to be more regular with these entries as time, life, and the Lord permits.

August 12
It's been quite a while since I last posted. I apologize for the delay. After the wedding, we went to Atlanta to attend the reception there and also see Anna and Stephen's apartment. I wanted to have a picture in my mind of Anna in her new place. We stayed with a couple that I used to live with in New York back in 1975-77. It was so good to see them - it had been quite a number of years - 8 or 9 - since we'd seen them last - but it was like we had never been apart. That's how it is in the Body of Christ - we are members of one another. I saw the naturopathic doctor and he reported that my July blood tests showed a huge increase in several growth factors in my blood, which would confirm the findings of the CT scan. He changed the protocol with the hope that we can bring down these growth factor levels quickly. I saw the neuro muscular doctor about elbow pain and he said that I needed an MRI to understand what is going on - the elbow looked fine in the x-ray but the MRI is of my neck since bulging disks can cause nerve pain that is similar to what I am experiencing. That was quite the experience - it is so loud! Next Friday the 15th I have another CA-125 blood test and also I meet with a nutritionist. Should be interesting....Please pray that these herbal remedies work to bring down those growth factors in my blood so that the cancer cells will not be able to use them to grow and metastasize.

One morning I began to consider God's thoughts. I remembered the verse in Jeremiah 29:11:

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the thoughts that I think about you, declares Jehovah, thoughts of peace and not for evil, to give you a latter end and a hope.

Jeremiah prophesied that when the seventy years of exile were fulfilled, Jehovah would visit the children of Israel and bring them back to the holy land. His thoughts about them were thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give them a latter end and a hope (vv. 10-14).

There are two verses in Psalm 139 that also speak about God's thoughts:

Psalm 139:17-18:
17 And how precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more than the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

The psalmist valued God's thoughts - he said they were precious to him.

Isaiah also prophesied concerning the past and the future: Isaiah 43:18-19 says
18 Do not call to mind the former things, Nor consider the things of old.
19 Indeed, I am doing a new thing; It will now spring forth; Do you not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.

In Philippians 3:13, Paul tells us "Brothers, I do not account of myself to have laid hold; but one thing I do: Forgetting the things which are behind and stretching forward to the things which are before,

We without God often live in the past - past wrongs, past glories, past knowledge, but we live in the past. We remember things about people that we should forget - we often hold onto offenses and many times we mourn past actions and behaviors. I am so happy that the Lord does not deal with us by shaming us about our past. His thoughts which number more than the sand on the seashore are about a hopeful future. That's why the Apostle Paul had to determine to forget the things which are behind and stretch forward to the things which are before. How much we need to spend our days pursuing Christ - running the race to lay hold of the prize.

Daniel also was one who joined himself to God's thoughts. The issue was Daniel 9. His prayer was God's prayer. We too can join ourselves to God's thoughts - and when that happens we will pray - here's an excerpt of Watchman Nee:

Brothers and sisters, if we come to God and remain calm before Him, giving up our thoughts to enter into His thoughts, we will see the great need for prayer, we will see that God is waiting for us to pray about so many things, and we will see that everything around can become the subject of our prayer. In fact the whole earth can become the subject of our prayer. We should not pray according to our feelings. We must mingle our desires with God's desires and allow God's desires to become our desires, groanings, and yearnings for the universe. God's desires cannot be released without first passing through man, and God's desires, when expressed through man's desires, will be opposed by the power of Satan. In order to fulfill God's desire, we have to pray, and in order to remove Satan's frustration, we have to pray. We have to exercise the authority of prayer and release what should be released and bind what should be bound. We should not pray according to our own desire; we should go to the Lord and pray according to the desire that He has imprinted in us. When God says that something is needed, we should say the same, and when He says that something cannot remain, we should also say the same. We should forget about ourselves and touch God's desire and express His desire through our prayer.

Much love to you all,
Joanne

CT scan results, a wedding, grace and the weather

Sorry for the big delay in writing - we had a wedding on July 20th - my daughter Anna and Stephen Harris were married! It was a very enjoyable time with friends and family. I absolutely crashed after the wedding and continue to struggle to stay awake during the day.

I promised to give you an update on the CT scan. Here are the impressions from the radiologist:
1. There is a new soft tissue implant consistent with recurrent disease.
2. There is thickening posterior to the rectus muscle along the transverse colon which could be related to recent surgery versus recurrent disease.
3. Prominent right vaginal cuff soft tissue has increased in the interim and is worrisome for deep pelvic local recurrence.

Also the CA-125 test increased to 16 up from 5. Please pray for wisdom for the doctors to know what the next step should be.

I saw both doctors on the 18th - Dr. Berkowitz and Dr. Berlin. Dr. Berkowitz feels that the thickening of the vaginal cuff is due to scar tissue and he is not concerned at this point but said that we need to monitor the CA-125 closely to see if it continues to rise. He was generally positive and very complimentary - he said I look great and asked if this was my natural hair color (which it was NOT!) Then he asked if that question was an appropriate one to ask. I had to laugh. I had to wait about 3 hours to see him which was not easy. Then I saw Dr. Berlin and she spent a long time with us (my daughter Anna came with me because she was worried about the CT scan results) and because she is moving to Atlanta and wanted to spend the time with me. Dr. Berlin showed me the slides from the scan and showed me the places where there was concern. She feels that some of this could be scar tissue and wants to wait a month to take another CA-125 test before beginning treatment. She also feels that I should have a PET scan to see if the implant is indeed cancer. She was very supportive and also kind to Anna, whom she encouraged to forget about these results and just enjoy her wedding day - which Anna did!

The weather on July 20th was not what I had prayed for - I must confess that I do pray about everything now - and just let those requests be made known to God (Phil 4:6 In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God). This way the peace of God will guard my heart and my thoughts in Christ Jesus. However, I learned something on Sunday as the thunder rolled, the lightning flashed and the torrential rain came down -- as I was praying about the weather, the Spirit who intercedes in our praying was praying something else....Romans 8:26 Moreover, in like manner the Spirit also joins in to help us in our weakness, for we do not know for what we should pray as is fitting, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 But He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to God.
When I asked the Lord - what's up with the weather - this is not what I prayed for....it seemed that the answer I received was - that the Lord wasn't answering my prayer with perfect weather, but rather with the supply of abundant grace. I am so thankful that when we pray not really knowing how or what to pray for, we have the Spirit Who intercedes for us according to God! Hallelujah! How does the receiving of abundant grace compare to a cloudless sky? One is eternal, and one is fleeting. The eternal One in His divine economy gives us Himself as grace. Isn't this marvelous?

Here is a picture of Anna and Stephen that was taken by my niece Millie. This was taken during the ceremony before the flowers blew over and drenched the bride and groom! Little did I know how much grace I would need to see my first born daughter get married. The Lord's supply was superabundant. It was so wonderful to see all the dear family members together for a happy occasion - we all are rarely able to get together, so this was really a treat. I have lots of wonderful memories that I can think about during the day. I was so thankful to the Lord that I could be there! We sang this hymn at the wedding which was really appropriate and which continues to be:

1 There is always something over,
When we taste our gracious Lord;
Every cup He fills o'erfloweth,
Rich supply He doth afford.
Nothing narrow, nothing stinted,
Ever issued from His store;
To His own He gives full measure,
Running over, evermore,
To His own He gives full measure,
Running over, evermore.

2 There is always something over,
When we, from the Father's hand,
Take our portion with thanksgiving,
Praising for the things He planned.
Satisfaction, full and deepening,
All our need He doth supply,
When the heart has tasted Jesus
Its desires to satisfy,
When the heart has tasted Jesus
Its desires to satisfy.

3 There is always something over,
When we share in all His love;
Unplumbed depths still lie beneath us,
Unscaled heights rise far above.
Human lips can never utter
All His wondrous tenderness.
We can only praise and wonder
And His Name forever bless,
We can only praise and wonder
And His Name forever bless.

I especially enjoy verse 2 which speaks about taking our portion with thanksgiving from our Father's hand, praising for the things He's planning. He is worthy of our praises. Only He satisfies every longing.

I am going to bed - my eyelids are having trouble staying up.

Love you all,
Joanne