A Channel of Blessing at Westgate Christian Academy

Here is Mom's personal testimony of her time at Westgate Christian Academy (WCA):

I felt I was being called by God to lay down my occupation - a title - a job I really loved. And He was saying, “Just obey me.” What could I say but “Amen, Lord.” And there was an opportunity to work at WCA. I felt like here was the answer to my years of praying for the Lord to make me a fruitful branch, a channel. When I prayed for a word from the Lord, He brought to mind this hymn.

Channels Only Blessed Savior

1 How I praise Thee, precious Savior,
That Thy love laid hold of me;
Thou hast saved and cleansed and filled me,
That I might Thy channel be.

Channels only, blessed Master,
But with all Thy wondrous grace,
Flowing through us, Thou canst use us
Every hour in every place.

2 Just a channel, full of blessing,
To the thirsty hearts around;
To tell out Thy full salvation,
All Thy loving message sound.

3 Emptied that Thou shouldest fill me,
A clean vessel in Thine hand;
With no strength but as Thou givest
Graciously with each command.

4 Witnessing Thy grace to save me,
Setting free from self and sin;
Thou hast bought me to possess me,
In Thy fulness, Lord, come in.

5 O Lord, fill now with Thy Spirit
Hearts that full surrender know;
That the streams of living water
From our inner man may flow.

Since I have been working here, the Lord has afforded various opportunities in which the outcome did not depend on me but on allowing Him to use me as His channel.

Most of you know the story of little Grace. What you didn't see was when she came to WCA the first time and her mother told her that I was the lady who helped bring her here. She ran down the hall and hugged me saying Gracias, Senora, gracias. Thank you, Lord Jesus, that we could be a part of rescuing one of your precious ones! [Editor’s note: Grace was a young girl who was saved from the streets of Bolivia through Joanne’s efforts with the U.S. immigration office to acquire a student visa for her to come to school at Westgate Christian Academy]

There was one boy who did not know how to pray to God - we prayed together for the first time. Then every time he was naughty, he knew what to do; he had to confess to God and ask him to forgive him and help him do better. I had to praise the Lord for all those naughty times - they brought this little one to God.

Another young boy cheated on a test. I shared with him about being a vessel using the example of how a cup with hole could not contain anything. In the end he prayed that the Lord would preserve him so he could be useful.

Once, a little pre-elementary girl came to my office because she would not obey the teacher. She sat through recess and would not talk with me. The Lord touched me to pray for her. I put my arms around her and prayed, “Thank you Lord Jesus for this little girl. Please touch her heart, help her to change her attitude. Show her how much you love her.” She put her arms around my neck and her whole body just relaxed. She said she was ready to go back to class and she went back and apologized to the teachers, full of joy.

One day after a three-hour session with a child, who was out of control, I was spent, and quite frankly ready to quit. I didn't come here to be spit on, after all. Then the Lord touched me to lay my hands on the student and pray for him. After I prayed, I began to sing a hymn. He was subdued and I was filled with the Lord's love for this little one. He changed, but I changed more, I think.

The opportunities with students were endless. When I heard some speaking that I felt was not appropriate, I was able to speak to the students and tell them to consider why they have a mouth. I told them I didn't believe that God gave them a mouth to speak the way they were speaking!

There were a few students who were frequent visitors to my office. One would think they would see me as an enemy. Yet, this last time when I prayed together with one of them, he actually thanked for Lord for all the time spent there in my office!

The Lord also provided many opportunities for me to serve as a channel—to parents. Once, when I was talking about uniforms, a parent asked me why I left the Catholic Church, and I had an opportunity to share my testimony with her. Another time, after a Christmas caroling evening, a parent was very angry. When she came to my office, I was able to share the gospel with her.

After spending time with kids in my office, I would always try to share with their parents what the Lord laid on my heart to speak to their children.

Young teachers need encouragement to continue pursuing the Lord, serving Him, being consecrated. Teachers have misunderstandings with one another - it is so wonderful to be available to the Lord to see Him iron out the wrinkles of our selves and make the crooked paths straight in us. Each day holds opportunities to be a channel.

Last year, in the spring, at the end of a very hard and heartbreaking time, the students performed in a spring festival. They shone like glistening stars. They were untouched by the storm around them - protected by the Lord's love! One student was worried about her song and instead of trying to convince her that it would be okay, we prayed together for the Lord to be her focus, her joy and her song.

Not every session is so successful or memorable. We don't always see the results but I have confidence in the eternal seeds that are planted. God is not mocked - what we sow, we'll reap. His word does not return to Him void. What we are doing at WCA is being a channel to the thirsty hearts God has brought. What a privilege! How I praise Him for this opportunity. Thank you, Lord, for this ministry.

Another Version of Mom's Testimony of Salvation

Here is another version of Mom's testimony of salvation that she also personally wrote:

I was raised in a Catholic family. My parents feared God and attended church regularly. They strongly believed that God existed, but did not have a personal relationship with Him. I was a seeking young person in the 1970’s and had many questions regarding the turmoil of the era. Why were my young friends going to Vietnam? Why were young people being shot and killed on college campuses? Why was there segregation? Didn’t God notice? Didn’t He care? Where was He, anyway? On a more personal level, I longed for a relationship. I wanted someone to love me unconditionally. Not too many people could offer me that kind of love.

A close friend of mine went away for the summer and came back a “Jesus person”. I didn’t really know what happened to her but she was different and she loved Jesus. I didn’t think it was strange to love Jesus. But she loved Him because she seemed to know Him. That was very intriguing. Unfortunately, she never told me how I could know Him. But her experience sparked the searching in me to know Jesus.

I went away to college and was drawn to fellowship there with a group of Christians. The people seemed friendly which was very unusual for a competitive music school. I attended one of their meetings and was horrified when I was asked to pray out loud. I stumbled over my words and uttered something like, “Oh God, I’m not worthy to pray to You. But I want to know You.” I left the meeting feeling like I was on the right track. Maybe somehow, someday, I thought, I could talk to God like those people did. He seemed to be their friend.

In the meantime, my friends from home had stopped calling me and were not very good at writing letters. I felt abandoned and discarded. I just wanted a lasting relationship with someone who would return the love I offered. I went to the cafeteria in tears and was invited to sit down at a table with two students I recognized from the Christian group. I was lonely, upset and desperate. They told me that the Lord Jesus loved me unconditionally and that I could have a relationship with him. At first, I rejected this-I had been to church, I said all the prayers and I didn’t have any kind of relationship with God. He was too far away, too distant. But they persisted and said that what I had before was an objective knowledge that God existed. They told me that if I opened up my heart and invited Jesus to come into my life, I would enter into a lasting relationship with Him. He was the friend I had been looking for. He offered the love that was unconditional. He laid down His life for me. So I prayed with them, asking Jesus to forgive my sins and to come into my heart and be my life. At that moment, I walked out of a lonely, rejection-filled life and entered into a life where I am continually being supplied by the life of God. I was filled with hope for the first time in my life. The emptiness in the core of my being was gone! And I experienced being loved unconditionally by the One who loved me and gave His life for me.

Testimony of Salvation

Here is a copy of Mom's personal testimony of salvation:

Friend. Companion. Pal. Chum. Crony. Buddy. Soul mate. The fact that the English language has many words for this kind of human relationship seems to indicate that friendship is a prize worth winning and that one’s success is linked to the abundance of friends. As a child, I began a quest for a best friend, someone who would care about me and whom I would care for, who would be honest with me, who would journey with me through life’s adventures and, most important, would accept me for who I was. I was looking for someone who would love me just as I was. This was no small quest and I wasn’t sure I would be successful. But I knew I didn’t want to go through life alone and I figured, if the longing for a friend was there, then the person was worth searching for.

My mother said I was a friendly person. “People will like you,” she said, “because you have a nice smile and you are genuine.” At first I was optimistic, thinking that perhaps my mom was right. When I found someone who seemed interested in friendship, I gave my time, money, listening ear, and emotional support eagerly and whole-heartedly, expecting the same in return. Sadly, this was not often my experience. In fact, demands were often made of me before I would be considered a friend. Once, in order to be invited to a friend’s birthday party, I was asked to complete the birthday girl’s geography homework while the party was going on. I did it because I hoped that she would see what a good friend I could be and would be willing to become my friend. That didn’t happen, though. In fact, she didn’t even say thank you. My longing for a relationship with someone deepened as did my sadness that perhaps no one could love me in this way.

As I went through middle school, the desire for a genuine friend grew. Many so-called friends from elementary school ended our friendships because they were embarrassed to be seen with me, or because I lived in a small house with a large family or because I had curly hair. Their shallowness was heartbreaking. I couldn’t seem to find anyone who shared the same desire as I did for a genuine friend. Popularity was defined by values that held little or no importance to me. Were there others like me who had the same longing, who saw through the superficiality?

To fill up the longing in my heart, I gave myself to music. Singing was my passion and I became quite a prominent performer in high school. I could escape from the harsh emptiness of my life into the characters I played in operas, musicals and plays. I sang at Carnegie Hall, sang leading roles in many operas and won many music awards and recognition. To my surprise, as my reputation grew, so did my group of friends. People wanted to be around someone who had the leading role in an opera. Yet, the friendships didn’t last. When the performance was over, the friendships often ended. One girl I considered a close friend, said “Why should I talk to you now? We have nothing in common anymore. The play is over and so is our relationship.” Again and again, I felt depleted, emptied of everything I had poured into people who just walked away.

Through all this searching, not once had I considered God as a friend. I was raised in a Catholic family. My parents feared God and attended church regularly. I strongly believed that God existed, but did not have a personal relationship with Him and never thought of Him as a potential friend. God? He was too far away, too busy, too obscure to be a friend. I wondered if He could understand my struggle, if He could even remotely know about the longing that was in my heart. I never considered that the answer might be found in the One I was wondering about. The only glimpse that God was even aware of my condition came in the summer before my senior year. A girl in my neighborhood went to visit her sister and came back a changed person. She did not have the emptiness in her that I had. She seemed to be resting in the knowledge that she was loved. This really intrigued me. Could she know the answer to my searching? She and her mother invited me to their home for a Bible study. We read verses about God and my curiosity about God was stirred. While He still appeared too intangible to be realized as a friend, every time I read the Bible, I felt comforted. He definitely deserved further seeking out.

I was accepted to Eastman School of Music, majoring in Voice performance and piano. My voice teacher was the head of the voice department. My goal was to sing with the Metropolitan Opera Company. While I pursued this goal with my whole being, I still could not escape the longing for someone to share my life with. I thought that perhaps at Eastman I would find a friend to share the same interests, aspirations and desires. However, I was not prepared for the competitive, self-centered, egotistical students I found there. After the first few weeks of shallow, useless and heartbreaking attempts at establishing friendships, I heard about a group of Christians who were meeting in my dorm. I remembered how comforted I felt when I read the Bible a few summers ago. The people seemed friendly, in the true sense of the word, which was a huge contrast to the rest of the students at this competitive music school. I attended their meeting and listened to each one of them talk to God as a friend, as One who knew them, as One who loved them. It seemed that He, if He was real, could possibly be that friend I had been searching for all my life. Maybe somehow, someday, I thought, I could talk to God like these people did. He was not remote. He was a real, present person.

Weeks passed, and friends from home did not call and were not very good at writing letters. I felt abandoned and discarded. I just wanted a lasting relationship with someone who would return the love I offered. I called someone I cared about deeply and realized that my love was not returned. I didn’t really matter to anyone. I was insignificant. I went to the cafeteria in tears and was invited to sit down at the table with two students I recognized from the Christian group. I was lonely, upset and desperate. They told me that the Lord Jesus loved me, that I mattered very much to Him and that He was the friend I was seeking. At first, I rejected this. I had been to church, I said all the prayers and this never resulted in any kind of relationship. God was too far away, too distant. Just like all the others in my life. Why should He care about me? He was God. He was busy taking care of the universe. They persisted and said that I only knew something about God, that I didn’t really know Him. They told me that if I opened up my heart to Jesus and invited Him into my life, I would enter into an eternal relationship with Him. He offered the love that was unconditional. Even before I could do anything right or wrong, He loved me. He laid down His life for me. I was looking for a friend, and all the while He was waiting for me. I considered my options. My life had been spent in the empty pursuit of a friend that I had not been able to find. I was tired of being disappointed. These people presented to me the person I had been seeking all along. I prayed with them, asking Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my heart and be my life, my companion and my friend. At that moment, I walked out of a lonely, rejection-filled life and found the One who is the friend of sinners. I was filled with joy for the first time in my life. The emptiness in the core of my being was gone! I experienced being loved unconditionally by the One who loved me and gave His life for me. Song of Solomon 5:16 says, His mouth is sweetness itself, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. Perhaps the words of the following hymn can help you to understand the experience that was mine and can be yours:

I sighed for rest and happiness,
I yearned for them, not Thee;
But, while I passed my Savior by,
His love laid hold on me.
Now none but Christ can satisfy,
None other name for me;
There’s love and life and lasting joy,
Lord Jesus, found in Thee.

Joanne Juraschek Memorial Gathering

You are welcome to rejoice with us on Saturday, July 18th, at 2:00 P.M. as we testify of the Lord's love and the faithful operation of His grace in Joanne's life. This gathering will take place at the meeting hall of the Church in Newton on 50 Dudley Road in Newton, MA. Please email Stephen Juraschek at spj@jhmi.edu if you need more information. Hallelujah for His resurrection life (Jn 11:25)!

At Home with the Lord

This afternoon, Joanne went peacefully to be with the Lord. She is abroad from her physical body and at home with the Lord Jesus (2 Cor. 5:8). Further information will be provided later. We appreciate the prayer and many forms of support these past two years.

Update, Guidelines, etc.

Thank you all for the prayer, meals, visits, and continued support during the past few weeks. The immediate family has all arrived home. Joanne is receiving care for the pain she is experiencing and is working with nurses and health care providers to maintain a stable comfort level. Because of the strain of the pain management, Joanne’s energy level has been low and she continues to be in need of much rest. As a result, in order to allow her ample opportunity to rest, we will need to limit visitation significantly. However, because we know many of you would like to see or speak to Joanne in some way, we have made the following arrangements for visitation. Thank you for working together with us to ensure Joanne gets the rest she needs.

• If you would like to schedule a visit with Joanne, please call the home phone number (781) 329-5227. Please ask to speak to Paul, Anna, or Andrew. If you get the voicemail message, please leave a message in maibox #2, titled “Joanne Juraschek Visitation,” with your name and phone number. You can also send an email to juraschekcare@gmail.com. We will try to find a time as Joanne’s capacity permits. Please know that we will do our best to return your phone call or email as soon as is practical.

• When visiting, please continue to keep the visits short (15 minutes maximum) and to come with an encouraging spirit.

• Also, while Joanne may not be able to see visitors in person, she may be able to speak with you on the phone for a “phone-visit” of sorts. When discussing a time for visitation, this may be a suggested or preferred mode of contact with Joanne. You may also write a note or memory in the online guestbook at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jjuraschek/guestbook. You can also send messages for Joanne and the family to juraschekcare@gmail.com.

Also, in terms of practical support, if you would like to provide a meal, please continue to call Lindy Bernier at (617) 332-6221, and, if you would like to assist with general household needs, please contact Bob Rosser at (617) 875-7478.

Joanne has enjoyed spending time at home with the family. We have shared many sweet moments together including singing hymns and even going to the ocean last Saturday. The Lord has been a constant source of supply, continuing "to do superabundantly above all that we ask or think" (Eph 3:20).

Thank you all, again, for your prayers and various forms of support. Please continue to pray for the working out of God’s perfect will.

Steps Going Forward

Along with an update on Joanne's current status, here are some general guidelines and information regarding visitation and opportunities to participate in helping the family.

Joanne has been very tired since she came home last week and has been focusing on getting rest. She has been working with the visiting nurse to manage back pain and nausea, while trying to keep her g-tube draining adequately. She has been adjusting to life at home and we all are glad to have her close-by. She enjoys hearing the sounds of the family and has been encouraged through the visits of many friends and fellow believers.

We know that many of you are eager to come to see Joanne or communicate with her in some way. Since it is important that Joanne gets plenty of rest each day, we have tentatively set aside a time between late morning and early afternoon for planned visits. If you would like to visit her, please call Lindy Bernier at 617-332-6221 to set up a time. When coming to be with Joanne, please understand that she may not be able to see you despite your scheduled visit. Also, do your best to keep the visits short and positive—she greatly appreciates your visits and can thoroughly benefit from them if they leave her energized and encouraged. Be sure to come in the Spirit and if possible bring a portion of the Word or a hymn to share with her. 

Also, if you would like to send your greetings or offer your love in some way, please consider sending a card or leaving a note at the online guestbook we have set up at: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jjuraschek/guestbook. She is often unable to take phone calls, but we will be certain to pass on your correspondence from these channels to her.

We would like to thank all of you for your caring support of our family during this challenging time. We have certainly sensed the supply of the Body and are grateful to each of you for your prayer and assistance. If you are interested in continuing to help in some capacity, please contact the following saints according to the area of need:

• If you are interested in providing a meal for the family, please contact Lindy Bernier at 617-332-6221.
• If you are interested in assisting in caring for Muriel Kowalski, Joanne's mother, please contact Christine Padgett at 339-225-5589.
• If you are interested in helping the family with practical needs and home maintenance, please contact Bob Rosser at 617-875-7478.

Finally, in lieu of phone calls, if you would like to receive periodic updates on Joanne's status, please send your email address to juraschekupdate@gmail.com. This blog (variedgrace.blogspot.com) will continue to be used primarily for general information and Joanne's personal messages, as she is able to write them.

The Lord is continuing to perfect His grace in our weakness as we abide under the canopy of His love expressed through all the members of His Body. We are resting in the confidence that He remains on the throne in the power of His resurrection life with authority over all things.

Thank you again for all your prayers and support.

Seasons

Hi Everyone,
I returned home on Thursday May 27th at around 3:00 pm. We found an agency that will help with home care called Seasons - which reminds me of Ecclesiasties 3:1-8:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to seek, and a time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to throw away; A time to tear, and a time to sew; A time to be silent, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.

We reached this decision after reviewing the results of a CT scan, which showed that the chemotherapy had not been effective in stopping the cancer since April. The cancer had increased. So we decided to stop treatment that was not helping anyway. I am so glad to be home with my family. Who knows what the Lord will do? We are looking forward to enjoying Him and sharing in His marvelous plan. I am resting these days and hoping to get my g-tube working well so that I will stop vomiting. God is so faithful. I have been enjoying a song which you might also enjoy. I heard it on a cd from the Church in New York Young People. Here is a link to the music: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=ns&n=287&f=mp3

Here are the words to the hymn:

There are times in my life
When my heart is embittered.
There are questions unanswered,
Yet, You're drawing me

To enter
Into Your blessed sanctuary
And turning my eyes heavenward,
The questions of constant inquiry
Are changed to these words,

"Whom do I have in heaven
But You, dear Jehovah.
My flesh and my heart
Constantly fail,

But God's still
The strength of my heart and my portion;
To Him forever I'll draw near.
I've made Jehovah my sweet refuge.
So now throughout the years

Turn my view to see You,
How I need to see Jesus!!
Though I don't understand
The ways that You take;

Lord, make me
A babe and suckling always praising.
Enjoying Your worth day by day.
Let each experience constitute me
So Your life I'll display
In every way.

O Lord, Turn our view to see You!
Much love,
Joanne

Exercising Faith

The GI doctors determined that the G-tube is functioning adequately to remove fluids that build up from continuous secretions within the bowels but may need occasional flushing and the help of various positions and walking to work effectively with gravity.
A Cat Scan with contrast on Saturday, May 23 revealed an additional partial obstruction in the middle of the small intestines in addition to the full obstruction at the end of the small intestines and partial blockage at the location of the duodenal stents at the beginning of the small intestines.
After more than six months of non-stop chemotherapy and the debilitating side-effects, the oncologist feels to suspend further chemo treatment at this time due to resistance to the chemo drugs and shift focus to quality of life, allowing Joanne to spend more time at home with the family.
We continue to be drawn to exercise increased faith in the One who proclaimed “I am the Resurrection and the Life”, Who has authority over all things, while presenting to Him our hands open for His perfect will. This is a time for His glory to be manifested. After man has reached the limit of what he can do, God will reveal what He can and chooses to do. Our “earnest expectation and hope is that … even now Christ will be magnified in Joanne’s body, whether though life or through death.” Phil 2:20 We are expecting to see His glory whether through miraculous healing or in living a life one spirit with Him, moving in harmony with His will and expressing the abundant riches of His grace for His purpose.

Current Status

Hi Everyone,

We wanted to bring everyone up to speed on my mom's situation. On May 15th, she went in to have a follow-up chemo appointment, but her red blood cell count was considered below the threshold and they did not proceed with the infusion. The following day, Saturday, she received a blood transfusion and a shot of Octeotride to reduce secretion of digestive juices. Then, beginning Sunday she began to experience severe back pain and nausea. On Wednesday, May 20th, of this week, she was admitted to Brigham & Women's Hospital and the GI doctors are assessing the functionality of the G-tube. They are continuing to look for causes of the back pain and the build up of fluids. Mom is beginning to be more conversational as pain medication enables her to get sufficient sleep.

Please pray for a clear diagnosis and the formulation of an effective treatment plan to provide adequate drainage of excess fluids in her system.

Update

Hello everyone,
Thought I'd update you today since I am feeling a bit better. I am just recovering from a horrendous rash that developed the day I came home from the hospital. Turns out I am allergic to the lipids part of the TPN - so the TPN was modified to exclude essential fats and the race has just about cleared up. I am having some blood sugar issues with the TPN too that are being worked on - it is amazing how our bodies were designed to work so precisely - when we try to replicate some function artificially, it is not easy to get everything to work well together. I had chemo last Friday and took about 4 days to recover from it - the side effects were mainly fatigue and also aches, pains and fever. I will see Dr. Berlin on Friday and will have blood tests to see how low my blood counts are - if too low, then no chemo. I'll keep you posted as I feel better. I am missing food a lot - getting nutrition through the TPN is efficient but not enjoyable. I really miss chewing - and miss sandwiches and other yummy things. I need to keep eating that food that Jesus talked about to His disciples - food that they didn't know about... This kind of eating will help me with the diet change. Like the children of Israel. They needed to eat the manna to help them change their diet. The manna experience is very similar to mine. Those children of Israel had been enjoying a rich diet in Egypt and then they were asked to eat this wafer. It must have been quite difficult for them to enjoy it very much. Yet it was their nutrition while in the wilderness. It helped wean them from the leeks and garlic of Egypt. That manna is just a type of Christ - He is the living bread that came down out of heaven from God. John 6 has many wonderful verses about the Lord as the living bread, the bread of life. We just need to eat Him! He told us that if we eat Him, we will live by Him. John 6:57 says: As the living Father has sent Me and I live because of the Father, so he who eats Me, he also shall live because of Me. Eating God is a really foreign concept - mostly we think about honoring God, worshipping God - but what about eating God? I realize that if I eat Him, I will be strengthened during the day to live by Him - and live in another realm, on another plain - by another life.

Here's a hymn to the tune of Amazing Grace:

1 The tree of life, how sweet the fruit,
With God as life complete.
I once was dead, but now I live,
Was starved, but now I eat.

2 'Twas God that brought me to the tree,
With Christ Himself as meat;
How precious did that tree become
When I began to eat.

3 The Lord Himself is food to me,
He is my life supply;
He will my pure enjoyment be,
None else can satisfy.

4 I freely eat this living tree,
For eating is the way
To put God's life inside of me,
To live by Him today.

My mom is visiting with my brother Vincent in Texas and having a wonderful time, according to him.

I went for a walk today - there was a lull in the rain - everything was so beautiful.

Please continue to pray as the Lord leads - I appreciate this so much.

Much love,
Joanne

Liquid Nutrition

Hi Everyone,
I was able to have surgery on Tuesday April 21 and Dr. Russell put in a PEG tube (which I mentioned in the last blog entry) and also removed the NG tube – YAY!! This G-tube allows my stomach to drain any excess fluids into a bag and thus bypass the area of the GI tract where the partial obstruction is. In conjunction with this G-tube, my main source of nutrition will be a liquid called TPN or total parenteral nutrition from now on. I can take in some liquids (clear soups and broths), but this will be for comfort mostly and not for nutrition. This is really hard – I have been “mourning the loss of eating” this past week. It is not easy to change the way I eat. However, this TPN will make me stronger and more able to receive chemotherapy. The chemo hopefully will shrink the obstruction so that eventually I will be able to reverse the G-tube and go back to eating. I met with someone from nutrition the other day and she mainly gave me a long list of things I can’t take in – like fruit, veggies, cheese, pizza, etc. This is not easy. But the Lord knows and His grace is sufficient..
To infuse the TPN, I also had a double lumen PICC line put in my left arm last Tuesday. The 2nd line is a power PICC line - which allows me to have the contrast for CT scans and also will give the TPN nurse a line to draw blood. However, they are having trouble with this line (not the TPN line but the other line). Hopefully they will get this resolved today and I will be able to go home tomorrow.
In all these changes, we are continuing to set our hope on Him in Whom all things subsist, that He would be glorified both outwardly and through His transformation and building work within.

Change in plans

Hi Everyone,
Well, I went down to have the g-tube inserted and when they attempted to insert it, they found that they didn't have room in my abdomoninal cavity for the device. They fill the stomach with air and then then try to locate a place for the g-tube. However, since my small intestines kind of spill up over into the space they thought they had for the g-tube placement, they couldn't insert the tube - at least in the radiology unit. Needless to say I was disapppointed since I will have to delay the chemo a few days since I will be having surgery. But the Lord knows. I was so frustrated with all the delays and incompetencies of the teams. However, Dr. Russell will be doing the surgery tomorrow and they will be be doing one of two kinds of surgeries: one is a Percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) - a surgical procedure for placing a tube for feeding without having to perform an open operation on the abdomen. The other is an open gastronomy procedure. They will do one of these procedures on Tuesday sometime. Please continue to pray for this procedure and for all the decisions that have to be made over the next few days. I will also be having a line put in for the nutrition as well. O Lord Jesus.

I just love this psalm - I thought I'd share it with you:

Psalm 84
1 How lovely are Your tabernacles, O Jehovah of hosts!
2 My soul longs, indeed even faints, for the courts of Jehovah;
My heart and my flesh cry out to the living God.
3 At Your two altars even the sparrow has found a home; and a swallow nest for herself,
where she may lay her young, O Jehovah of hosts, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in Your house; They will yet be praising you.
5 Blessed is the man whose strength is in You.
6 Passing through the valley of Baca, They make it a spring;
Indeed the early rain covers it with blessings.
7 They go from strength to strength; each appears before God in Zion.
8 O Jehovah God of hosts, hear my prayer; Give ear, O God of Jabob.
9 Behold our shield O God; And look upon the face of Your anointed.
10 For a day in your courts is better than a thousand; I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God Than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
11 For Jehovah God is a sun and a shield; Jehovah gives grace and glory; He does
not withhold anything good from those who walk uprightly,
12 O Jehovah of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in you.

There was footnote for verse 3

A home is a place of rest, and a nest is a place of refuge. Through the two altars God's redeemed can find a nest as their refuge and a home with God in rest. The cross of Christ, typified by the bronze altar, is our next our refuge, wherewe are faved from our troubles and there we lay our young - that is produce new believers through the preaching of the gospel. When we experience the resurrected Christ in His ascension, typified by the golden altar of incense, we are accepted by God in such a Christ and find a home, a place of rest, in the house of God. This house is the processed and consummated Triune God united, mingled, and incorporated with all his redeemed, regenerated, and transformed elect to be the body of Christ in the present age and the new Jerusalem as the mutual dwelling dewelling place of God and His redeemed in eternity.

I realized this week with so many visits from brothers and sisters in the Lord that as the Lord's dwelling places, they are so lovely!

Much love lovely ones!-
Joanne

Update

Hi Everyone,
It seems that things slow down on the weekend so this will be a weekend of rest - which is always a good thing. Monday I will have a pick line inserted in my arm for the TPN (total parenatal nutrition) - the total nutrition that I will be get needs a dedicated line that will only be used for that purpose hence the need for a new line. I just heard that the gastric tube - which will replace the nasal gastric tube which is inserted into my nose - will also be placed or inserted on Monday as well. Please pray for the accurate insertion of these tubes and for the directing hand of God on each of the doctors involved in the surgery.

I just have one thing to say - those wonderful words by Fanny Crosby

All the way my Savior leads me;
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate'er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well,
For I know, whate'er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.


Amen! Jesus does all things well. Thank you for praying and for standing with me during this past week and a half. I am really experiencing the reality of the body life. What a rich, rich inheritance we have in the members of the Body! Thank you all!

The surgery is out-patient and should be in the afternoon, I believe.

Much love,
Joanne

We will keep you posted.

Spirit of His Resurrection Life

This week began with some considerable discouragement. It ended in resurrection through the bountiful supply of the Spirit through the continuing prayers of His Body and the visits and care of numerous friends and brothers and sisters in the Lord.
Some evidence of Joanne’s small bowels opening began to appear on Saturday. However, the consensus of the doctors involved with Joanne’s case is moving toward a surgical intervention involving the insertion a feeding port to provide liquid nourishment and a G tube from the stomach to drain excess fluids that cannot empty out of the small bowels due to a continued partial blockage. Pray that God’s will be worked out.
This week we experienced some influence of a cloud of darkness from a spirit of death that is pressing in around us. We also realized the covering and spiritual fighting to subdue this element through the prayer of others. Pray that the Spirit of His resurrection life would reign over all thoughts and emotions and fill the atmosphere around us with His Life as we continue to exercise our faith in God and claim the fulfillment of God’s calling in Joanne for His purpose.

Our faith is in the Lord, Who is our Healer.

Our faith rests in Him above all things. We are grateful for what He will do through the doctors and our cooperation, but in reality, our confidence and faith is in Him alone. He is the Healer and has made us His new creation in Himself for His purpose.
Joanne's oncologist has encouraged her to be realistic about what is manifest at this time, but optimistic (holding on to hope and a positive outlook for each day). We are at a difficult decision point having to find a solution to the painful symptoms of a third episode of a small bowel obstruction in the last month.
There are essentially 2 roads:
1. The bowel obstruction clears up (Joanne will be on a limited regime of clear fluids for nourishment, possibly TPN) and continue with chemo.
2. A GI surgical intervention is required to remove the obstruction (open a pathway) or at a minimum install a G tube replacing the current NG tube. Once a system for delivering nutrition is established, chemo would resume.
The OB/GYN team led by Dr. Berkowitz along with Dr. Berlin (her oncologist) will respond to the GI surgeon’s team recommendations on Friday depending on the results of her current bowel rest facilitated by the NG tube.
We believe that God would grant Joanne more time and this obstruction would be cleared. Pray for this in the next two days. Pray also that all the unlawful, renigade cancerous cells would be eradicated through chemo and the Lord’s healing which we decree in the faith of the One in us.
Now is the time O Lord to glorify Your Name once again as we rest and set our hope in You and all that You have accomplished.

Update

My mom is still in the hospital with a partial bowel obstruction which is making it difficult for her to eat or drink. The CT scan on Saturday confirmed that there is a partial obstruction. She still has the NG tube to help rest her bowels. The GI doctors are considering some surgical interventions but need to coordinate with the oncologist who is dealing with the treatment of the cancer. Please pray that the doctors would be headed up in Christ and for His perfect will to be done. Also pray that my mom would be strengthened with Christ as her living hope. She has been feeling low and discouraged as the doctors have been giving her mixed messages. Her anxiety has been exacerbated by new pain medication as well. Pray she would be guarded from any attack and that her joy would be maintained.

In all likelihood she will be in the hospital through this week and possibly into next.

Thank you for your prayer and support.

Anna

Prayer Request

My mom was admitted to the hospital today because of pain and dehydration after meeting with the GI doctor this morning. There is concern of an obstruction and doctors are investigating how to proceed as well as how to provide a better pain management regime.

Tomorrow morning at 6AM my mom will have an "NG" tube inserted to put contrast into her bowels for a CT scan scheduled for 8AM. This is a very uncomfortable procedure and is often painful. Please pray that the discomfort will be minimized and that the findings of the test will be conclusive.

Thank you for your continued pray, support, and love.

Anna

Home again!

Hello everyone,
I was discharged from the hospital yesterday (Friday), feeling better, with less pain, and a strict eating regimen (only pureed food). I will have chemo on Wednesday if all continues to go well and then I will see the gastroenterologist on Friday the 10th. She was out of the country this past week while I was in the hospital, so I am anxious to see what she says about what the GI problem was. Basically this week I rested, and enjoyed visits from many friends. I didn’t have an endoscopy because the GI doctor taking her place didn’t feel it was necessary. The CT scan from last Thursday showed a partial obstruction in the small bowel that has apparently cleared. When I know more, I will let you all know.

It was kind of confusing this week because while I had a GI problem, Dr. Berkowitz (the gyn-oncologist) was in charge. The residents do most of the rounds and are very new to patient bedside care – they are quick, sometimes abrupt and just young. I’m sure over time, they will learn that they are treating people and not diseases. Dr. Berlin came by a couple of times to explain what was going on as I was pretty much in the dark about who was in charge and who was deciding what treatment I was getting.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. Because of the prayer I really experienced being at peace regarding all that has occurred in the past week. Today I was encouraged looking at the sparrows outside my window. There are verses in the gospel of Matthew and Luke about sparrows: Here are the verses from Luke 12:
6 Are not five sparrows sold for two assaria? And not one of them is forgotten before God.
7 But even the hairs of your head have all been numbered. Do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows.

I was particularly encouraged by the phrase “Do not be afraid” since it is hard these days to stay strong and courageous. Another verse that really encouraged me was a phrase from 1 John 4:18 –“there is no fear in love…..perfect love casts out fear...”

I am endeavoring these days to sink down into the perfect love of God.

Here is a hymn of comfort which I enjoyed today. Here is the link: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=h&n=676&f=mid

1 All thy griefs by Him are ordered,
Needful is each one for thee;
All thy tears by Him are counted,
One too much there cannot be;
And if while they fall so quickly
Thou canst own His way is right,
Then each bitter tear of anguish
Precious is in Jesus' sight.

2 Far too well thy Savior loves thee
To allow thy life to be
One long, calm, unbroken summer—
One unruffled, stormless sea;
He would have thee fondly nestling
Closer to His loving breast,
He would have that day seem brighter
When alone is perfect rest.

Much love,
Joanne

Need for Prayer

The results of the CT scan didn't show new cancer growth as a cause for the severe abdominal pain I'm experiencing. Dr. Berlin and the GI doctor felt I should be in the hospital to find out what is wrong. Please pray that they conduct the right tests and interpret them correctly. I'm in Brigham's and Women's hospital, Connors Center, rm. 776. Call Missy for an update.

I appreciate all your prayers and support. Looking away unto Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. Jesus is Lord!

Joanne

Update and Spring

Turns out Wednesday's upper GI series or fluoroscopy showed a narrowing of the stent but not an obstruction. I still have pain and discomfort but food is traveling through. I was able to have the chemo Thursday, and there were no complications. They really knocked me out and I slept almost the entire time. I will be getting the gemzar on a different schedule than the taxol - it is still on a 3 week rotation but I have day 1 - Carboplatin and Gemzar, day 8 gemzar (except for this week which will be on day 7) - and then on day 15 a blood test, then back to day 1 for the next round. Please pray for the effectiveness of this drug to kill the cancer cells, and eliminate the tumors.

The other day out by my driveway I saw these bumps in the garden. At first I thought skunks were at work digging up the bulbs - but when I investigated I saw the tiny, green tips of spring bulbs pushing up through the cold earth toward the sun. The bumps were the earth on top of those little tips being pushed out of the way! All through this past winter it has seemed almost hopeless that the bulbs would come again - they were buried beneath several feet of snow, frozen and subjected to harsh extremes in temperature. We all wondered if they would ever come back this year. Even the side of the house where they are planted doesn't get a good deal of sun so they weren't really warming up very much. But still, in spite of all these obstacles, the life in those bulbs is pushing forth - pushing up through the earth to the sun. It is so encouraging. I thought we are like those bulbs. We go through cold, dark seasons with harsh weather, and are buried by our circumstances. But we have a life gene in us! This life is an overcoming life! We don't depend upon how well we can survive the elements, but rather we depend upon the functioning of that overcoming life to triumph, burst forth, and live! So rather than focus on the dark environment or harsh weather, may we enjoy the functioning of that victorious life within!

Here is a wonderful hymn about the victorious life of Christ which is operating in us! Hallelujah! Here is a link to the hymn's tune:
http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=h&n=1174&f=mp3

1 What a victory! What a triumph!
God Himself became a man,
Clothed Himself in human nature
To fulfill His mighty plan.
He through death destroyed the devil;
Risen now, the Son of Man!

2 Jesus by His human virtues
Did the subtle one arrest;
He as man withstood the tempter,
Fully passed through every test.
Now in spirit I can take Him,
All His virtues to possess.

3 In the Spirit of this Jesus
Is His human life so fine.
Human virtues have been added
To the Spirit all divine.
What abundance in this Spirit,
Rich supply for all mankind!

4 How mysterious! Yet how real!
Such a man now lives in me.
Into all my heart He's spreading—
He, my human life, to be.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
I will praise unceasingly.

5 Oh, what wonder! Oh, how glorious!
God in flesh is manifest.
We the members of His Body
His humanity express.
For the building of God's dwelling
We His human life possess.


Thank you all for your consistent prayer and stedfast love - what a blessing to be in the body of Christ in reality.

Much love,
Joanne

Change in plans and prayer request

Hi Everyone,
On Sunday afternoon, I started having severe abdominal pain, diarrhea and general discomfort - I thought it might be a stomach flu and waited to call the doctor. When things didn't really change on Monday, I called and they decided to evaluate me on Tuesday when I arrived for chemo - they decided not to do the chemo but to run some tests (upper GI series) on Wednesday to see what is causing the pain - they think it is some kind of issue with the stents. I will have the test 8:30 am on Wed and then I will meet with Dr. Berlin at 1:00. She has decided to discontinue the Taxol chemo drug since my CA-125 is dropping at a very sluggish rate. She is starting me on carboplatin and gemcitabine (gemzar) on Thursday if the GI test doesn't indicate some kind of procedure necessary. Please pray about this test, about the accurate diagnosing of the problem and also about the new chemo drug. It has some nasty side effects but nothing too different from the taxol I had been taking.

Tonight, because it was so clear, we were able to go outside and watch the Discovery space shuttle (docked with the International Space Station) zoom through the night sky. We looked at the stars, planets and then saw this bright speck of light sail through. It was quite a wonderful experience. I considered Psalm 8:

Psalm 8

1 O Jehovah our Lord, How excellent is Your name In all the earth, You who have set Your glory over the heavens!

2 Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings You have established strength Because of Your adversaries, To stop the enemy and the avenger.

3 When I see Your heavens, the works of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,

4 What is mortal man, that You remember him, And the son of man, that You visit him?

5 You have made him a little lower than angels And have crowned him with glory and honor.

6 For You have caused him to rule over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet:

7 All sheep and oxen, As well as the beasts of the field,

8 The birds of heaven and the fish of the sea, Whatever passes through the paths of the seas.

9 O Jehovah our Lord, How excellent is Your name In all the earth!



It is incredible that the One who has set His glory above the heavens considers mortal man - inclines His ear to our pray, became a man Himself to die for us so that we might have access to eternal life. How marvelous - How excellent.

Here's a wonderfully uplifting hymn that is full of riches:

1 O how glorious! O how holy!
God is the eternal life!
Full, unlimited, and pow’rful,
Pure, and merciful, and bright!
In this life are all His riches,
All His nature, love and light.

2 O how loving! O how gracious!
God Himself is life to man!
He in man hath made a spirit
That He might fulfill His plan.
’Tis His heart’s delight and longing
E’er to be received by man.

3 O what love and grace unbounded!
God as life to man doth flow!
He no more is hid in secret
But Himself to man doth show,
First in flesh and then as Spirit
That His life all men may know.

4 How approachable! How near us!
God in Christ our life to be!
Christ is God in flesh incarnate,
Manifest for man to see.
Died and risen, now He enters
Into man, his life to be.

5 O what wonder! As the Spirit
God as life to man is shown!
’Tis His other transformation,
He as Spirit thus is known;
Men convicting and inspiring,
He within them makes His home.

6 O how glorious! O how precious!
Thus the triune God to know!
First the Father in the Son came,
Now the Son as Spirit flows.
When in man the Spirit enters
God as life He doth bestow.

7 How mysterious, yet how real!
God Himself now flows in me!
In my heart, with me in oneness,
He has come my life to be.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
I will praise unceasingly!



Thank you dear ones for your prayers and support. Let us spend our days praising Him unceasingly!

Love,
Joanne

Quick update

Hi Everyone,
My chemo has been moved to Tuesday March 17th. I haven't been in touch with Dr. Berlin about how many more rounds I will have - but I should see her on Tuesday and will ask then. My daughter Anna came for a visit this past week - and my son Stephen arrived last night and will be here for a week. I am so thankful for their visits. This has been a rough week for me as a close friend and former co-worker and co-patient at Dana-Farber (with the same type of cancer), Betty Vifquain, passed away. She was a real encouragement to me when I was first diagnosed and we continued to encourage one another through the treatments, the anxieties and fears. She really loved the Lord and continually testified to everyone of her faith and love for the Lord. What struck me about Betty was that she spent her days sowing seeds of the kingdom into everyone who knew her. What a testimony - and what a legacy. I am sure she is now enjoying unobscured, face to face fellowship with the Lord and with other lovers of Jesus.

Her passing away hit me kind of hard because it seemed so sudden (she was only in hospice for 10 days) and a heaviness came over me that was hard to shake.
Having my daughter come for a visit and also going to school to work with the students helped me get through. Young people are so alive - they love life and live in the "now" - watching them this week and talking with them helped me stop living in the what ifs of the future and enjoy what the Lord has given me – which is this moment.

I am reminded of the verses in Philippians 1:21-23: 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 But if I am to live in the flesh, if this to me is fruit for my work, then I do not know what I will choose. 23 But I am constrained between the two, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for this is far better.

There is a footnote for verse 23 – with Christ:
To be with Christ is a matter of degree, not place. Paul desired to be with Christ in a higher degree, although he was already with Him constantly. Through his physical death he would be with Christ to a fuller extent than he enjoyed in this earthly life.

To be with Christ is a matter of degree, not place. I pray that day by day there would be an increase in the degree to which we are with Christ.
Here is a very uplifting, strengthening hymn – I hope you enjoy it as much as I have!
Here is a link to the tune: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=h&n=540&f=mp3

1 What release the Savior gave me!
Christ indeed has set me free!
All the pow’r of sin is broken,
All death’s sting is passed from me!

Chorus
Christ has made me more than conqu’ror,
By His mighty victory,
Now His resurrection power
From my spirit strengthens me!

2 From the law Christ has delivered,
To its claims I’m ever dead;
Nevermore the law shall bind me,
But by grace I’ll live instead.

3 Christ has sin condemned at Calv’ry
And its power done away;
Now it has no ground within me,
I am freed from all its sway.

4 Death by Him has been abolished,
Incorrupted life is shown;
Death’s enthralling bonds are broken,
Resurrection life is known.

5 Christ through death has crushed the devil,
World and demons by His might,
From the pow’r of darkness brought me
To the realm of life and light.

6 All-sufficient grace He giveth,
With His pow’r He covers me,
Makes me glory in my weakness
And in weakness strengthens me.

Please continue to pray as the Lord leads for the effective working of the chemo - and for God's will to be done. I do pray that we all will be filled with peace - not anxiety and be strengthened by the Lord's resurrection power, and enter into that release that can only be known by those who know Christ.

Love,
Joanne

Next round of chemo

Hi Everyone,
I didn't hear back from Dr. Berlin, but the administrative assistant called with the next chemo appointment - it will be on Monday, March 16th at 7:00 am at Dana-Farber. They only have 3 beds in the desensitization unit so scheduling is challenging. But this gives me another weekend without feeling awful - and I am very grateful for that. I need to see Dr. Berlin to ask her how many more rounds of chemo I have - I think because the last CT scan still showed tumors (although smaller), they will opt for continuing the treatment. I have been pretty strict with eating (no raw veggies) but feel that my diet is not very healthy. Please pray that I will find a way to eat that will strengthen my immune system and also be nourishing. I have been looking into lots of different types of nutritional cancer treatments - some seem impossible to follow, and others seem to be not enough. I am going to see the naturopathic doctor again - I will schedule an appointment next week. I'd like to get his input on what to do as well and then I will pray to see how the Lord leads.

I know I've written about anxiety before - and I have struggled with it over the past years quite a bit - even before the cancer diagnosis. Worry is exhausting. It robs us of our joy and rest and really is the calling card of the enemy. It causes us to get our eyes off the Lord, off of the promises in His word, and to look at what we see - and think that we can go something to affect change in that realm. Really, the worrisome thoughts just try to drag us away from the Lord and resting in Him to try to "handle the situation," which, in turn, causes anxiety, since we really aren't that effective in handling anything. In Philippians, there are verses about anxiety:

Philippians 4: 4-7

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.

5 Let your forbearance be known to all men. The Lord is near.

6 In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

7 And the peace of God, which surpasses every man's understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.

I looked up the reference to forbearance. The footnote says:
52 I.e., reasonableness, considerateness, and consideration in dealing with others, not being strict in claiming one's legal rights. It is in contrast to selfish ambition and vainglory (2:3) and to murmurings and reasonings (2:14). It is Christ Himself as an excellent virtue lived out of the believers.

The footnote for anxiety is as follows:
I.e., worry. Anxiety, coming from Satan, is the sum total of human life and disturbs the believers' life of living Christ; forbearance, coming from God, is the sum total of a life that lives Christ. The two are opposites.

The following is from the Life Study of Philippians, message 61.

Anxiety is the totality of the natural human life. Day by day and even hour by hour, the common human life is filled with anxiety. Every normal human being is anxious. The more sober you are in mind, the more anxious you will be. If you are a person who is thoughtful and careful, you will have a great deal of anxiety. Sensitive people are especially bothered by anxiety. Those who are unusually dull or insensitive may not have much anxiety, but those who are sensitive usually have many anxieties.
Just as anxiety is the totality of common human life, so forbearance is the totality of the proper Christian life. Hence, the words anxiety and forbearance represent two kinds of lives. Among human beings there are only two kinds of lives: the human life and the Christian life. Human life is a life of anxiety, whereas the Christian life is a life of forbearance. If we see this contrast, we shall realize that it is a matter of great importance for Paul to emphasize forbearance and anxiety in chapter four of Philippians. He emphasizes forbearance and anxiety because they represent two different kinds of lives. Every human being is subject to anxiety. But if we are a Christian according to the divine standard, we shall have a life full of forbearance and without anxiety. The first point I would emphasize in this message is that forbearance and anxiety represent two kinds of lives.

Here is a really helpful excerpt from Message 62:

Experiencing His Sufficient Grace

We have seen that to overcome anxiety we need to pray and have fellowship with the Lord and worship Him. Then with thanksgiving we need to make our petitions known. When we do this, we may think that the Lord will always answer us and give us what we ask. However, sometimes the Lord will say no. Consider Paul’s experience of the thorn in the flesh. In 2 Corinthians 12:8 he says, “For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.” However, the Lord denied Paul’s request, and said to him, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness” (v. 9). Therefore, Paul could declare, “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” The crucial point here is that Paul accepted the will of God. He realized that God’s will was to leave the thorn with him so that he could experience His sufficient grace. Because Paul accepted the Lord’s will, he did not have any anxiety.

Yes, we need to pray and petition the Lord with thanksgiving. But when the Lord does not grant our petition, our anxiety may increase instead of decrease. At such a time, we realize that the Lord will not change our situation. Instead, He allows the “thorn” to remain. He knows that we need the thorn. He also needs it that He may reveal His sufficient grace and in addition train us to trust in Him. If we do not accept the Lord’s will but insist on making petitions according to our own will, we shall not be able to escape anxiety.

Suppose you pray to the Lord when you are suffering from a certain illness. The Lord may answer your prayer and heal you. He does this especially on behalf of those who are rather young in their experience of Him. At a later time, however, you may again become sick and ask the Lord to heal you. Instead of healing you suddenly, He may heal you gradually, or He may not heal you at all. Eventually, it may become clear to you that the Lord intends for the illness to remain. If you accept His will in the matter, you will be at peace. You will not have any anxiety.

When Brother Nee was a young man, he suffered from heart disease. Often when he ministered the Word he was in such pain that he had to lean on a stand for support. Although he contracted this disease before he was thirty years of age, he lived with that illness for nearly forty years. Although he knew that he could die from that disease at any time, he accepted the Lord’s will and was not anxious. He realized that his illness was a thorn given him for the fulfillment of God’s purpose.

Trusting the Lord

Accepting the Lord’s will in particular matters not only enables us to experience His sufficient grace; it also teaches us to have a life of trusting the Lord. If the thorn had been taken away from Paul, Paul probably would not have trusted in the Lord as much as he did with the thorn. Simply because the thorn was allowed to remain, day by day Paul had to live a life of trusting in the Lord.

We all prefer that hardships and sufferings be taken away from us. But sometimes the Lord will say, “No, I cannot answer your request. It is better for this thing to remain so that you may learn to trust Me and not be anxious.” If we accept the Lord’s will and trust Him, we shall not be anxious. However, if we do not accept His will or if we do not live by trusting in Him, we shall be anxious.

According to my natural life, I am the kind of person who likes everything to be perfect. If I become ill in some way, my desire is to be healed thoroughly. Even if there is something wrong with an article of clothing, I want it fixed and made perfect. I want everything under my management to be right in every way. But I cannot control whether or not sickness comes to me. The Lord may assign illness to me, realizing that I need it so that I may learn to trust Him and not worry. For this I need to say, “Lord, I thank You that this sickness is a help to me. I also thank You, Lord, that even this fulfills Your purpose.” The more we thank the Lord in this way, the more we shall have forbearance in place of anxiety.

I can truly testify that having this illness has taught me to trust in the Lord more than ever before. I realize now that I cannot orchestrate anything according to what I want or think I need but rather must let the Lord be the Lord and rest in His arrangement.

Here is a wonderful hymn that has comforted me many times throughout my life. I’m sure I’ve posted it more than once on this blog. So please forgive me – but some hymns are worth enjoying over and over:

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.


Oh Lord, may we all enter into the reality of enjoying You as our life of forbearance without anxiety. Bring us into Your rest day by day.

Love to all,
Joanne

Following the Lamb

Hi Everyone,
This has been a bit of a rough week with chemo side effects but I've been able to eat food without much discomfort or pain. I'm being careful about what I eat, but it seems that my healthy choices are somewhat limited and I end up feeling like I'm not doing much to nourish my body. I am making smoothies with protein-rich greek yogurt, frozen peaches and mangos and apple cider - these taste really good. I was able to go to school last Thursday and teach a class - which is so wonderful. The students are so encouraging - they are so happy and tell me they are praying for me. It is really very touching. I am not sure how many more rounds of chemo I am going to have - I have completed 5. So either I have one more or 3 more. I will need to check with Dr. Berlin about this. I don't know when the next chemo treatment is - but it should be around March 13. Since there are only 3 beds in the desensitization unit, sometimes they are booked and the 3 week schedule has to be adjusted.

Yesterday we had some dear friends over for dinner and we were fellowshipping about the verse Revelation 14:4b: These are they who follow the Lamb wherever He may go. These were purchased from among men as firstfruits to God and to the Lamb. Someone said that when we follow the Lord, our following is not behind Him but face to face. As we gaze into His eyes, He is able to strengthen us to continue to follow Him. It is the shining of His face that enables us to go on. This reminds me of the verse in Hebrews about running the race, looking away unto Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:1-2). There is another verse which develops this further. 2 Corinthians 2:10:
But whom you forgive anything, I also forgive; for also what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, it is for your sake in the person of Christ; . There is a great footnote about person of Christ. Here is an excerpt from that note:

Note 10-3: Lit., face; as in 4:6. The part around the eyes; the look as the index of the inward thoughts and feelings, which shows forth and manifests the whole person. This indicates that the apostle was one who lived and acted in the presence of Christ, according to the index of His whole person, expressed in His eyes... In [this epistle - 2 Corinthians] we see a person who lived Christ according to what he wrote concerning Him in his first Epistle, in the closest and most intimate contact with Him, acting according to the index of His eyes; a person who was one with Christ, full of Christ, and saturated with Christ; a person who was broken and even terminated in his natural life, softened and flexible in his will, affectionate yet restricted in his emotion, considerate and sober in his mind, and pure and genuine in his spirit toward the believers for their benefit, that they might experience and enjoy Christ as he did for the fulfillment of God's eternal purpose in the building up of Christ's Body.

I am also reminded of the verse in 2 Corinthians 3:18: But we all with unveiled face, beholding and reflecting like a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, even as from the Lord Spirit. This is one of the most amazing verses in the Bible. With our unveiled faces as we behold the Lord - we are being transformed into the same image! So as we following the Lord by gazing into His face, we are being transformed into the image we behold. This is so wonderful! I realize that our following the Lord is not trying to do what we think He wants, or trying to fulfill the commandments or be good, but rather following the Lord requires our faces being unveiled, requires beholding Him day by day, moment by moment. As we behold Him, He reveals His will and He also supplies us with the ability to follow Him.

This reminds me of the sweet hymn about taking time to behold Him. Here is a link to a new tune for this hymn which is quite lovely.


1 Take time to behold Him,
Speak oft with Thy Lord,
Abide in Him always,
And feed on His Word.
Wait thou in His presence,
Submissive and meek,
Forgetting in nothing
His blessing to seek.

2 Take time to behold Him,
The world rushes on;
Spend much time in secret
With Jesus alone.
By looking to Jesus
Like Him thou shalt be;
Thy friends, in thy conduct,
His likeness shall see.

3 Take time to behold Him,
Let Him be thy guide;
And run not before Him
Whatever betide;
In joy or in sorrow
Still follow thy Lord,
And, looking to Jesus,
Still trust in His Word.

4 Take time to behold Him,
Be calm in thy soul,
Each thought and each temper
Beneath His control.
Thus led by His Spirit
To fountains of love,
Thou then shalt be fitted
His mercy to prove.


Be encouraged dear ones to follow the Lamb by beholding Him.

Much love,
Joanne

CA 125 down a bit

Hi Everyone,
I just got home from Dana-Farber - it was a long day - I left the house around 6:30 am and now it is 7:45 pm! I got the CA-125 level - it was 53 -down 5 from last time. Still moving in the right direction but not so dramatic as in the beginning. Oh Lord - keep us looking away to You.

Feeling very sleepy because of all the antihistamines I had to take today during the desensitization. So I must go to bed.

Keep abiding,
Joanne

Chemo tomorrow

Hi Everyone,
Tomorrow I have to go to Dana-Farber at 7:00 AM to have chemo - first 3 hours for the taxol and then 6 hours for the carboplatin. HOpefully they will start on time - but one never knows. Please pray for the desensitization process - that all goes well and I'm able to get the chemo - also please pray about the side effects - they were rough last time around. I had my blood test yesterday but don't have the results of the CA-125 - when I get it tomorrow I'll post it then.

I was able to go to the school library today to catalog some books and straighten things up a bit - I do love going there - It gets depressing sometimes because I am so limited. Someone sent me this excerpt from the Life Study of Genesis, message 93. It is so encouraging, I thought I'd share it:

Now we must consider how Jacob, a transformed person, could be filled with life. Human beings are vessels. However, unlike jars and bottles, we are not vessels without feeling, sense, or will. If you want to fill a bottle with a certain liquid, the bottle has no opinion or feeling about it. There is no need to have the consent of the bottle before we fill it. But it is difficult to put something in us living vessels because we are filled with opinions, desires, and intentions. Parents know how difficult it is to put medicine into their children. Likewise, it is not an easy matter for God to put His life into us.

Now I want to point out a hidden matter in this book. Jacob's first dealing in the last stage was the loss of Joseph. Joseph was seventeen years old when he was sold (37:2), and he was thirty years old when he stood before Pharaoh (41:46). Following this, there were the seven plenteous years. It was probably one or two years later that Jacob sent his sons to Egypt to buy grain. Therefore, from the selling of Joseph to the sending of Jacob's sons to Egypt was a period of at least twenty years. The Bible does not afford us any record of what Jacob did during these years. It only gives us an account of what Joseph experienced. As far as the record of Jacob is concerned, this period of twenty years was a time of silence.

What do you think Jacob was doing during this time? If you had been Jacob, what would you have done? I have considered this matter very much, and I think I have discovered something. During these years Jacob had nothing to do. He had no lack and he had no ambition. Jacob had cared only for Rachel, not for Leah and the two maids. After Rachel died, Jacob's heart was set on Joseph, who was taken away from him about a year later. After Joseph was taken away, Jacob had virtually nothing left. Therefore, during these silent years he was a person without any ambitions, interests, or things to do. This must have been the time God imparted Himself into Jacob more and more. How different were these twenty years from the twenty years with Laban! During the twenty years with Laban (31:41), Jacob had struggled against Laban and had been concerned about dealing with Rachel, Leah, the maids, and all his children. But in these twenty years at Hebron Jacob was released from any bondage or occupation. He was not only retired—he was free.

The only thing that could not be taken away from Jacob was God's presence. At Hebron Jacob constantly lived in fellowship with God. Through the loss of Joseph, Jacob became a jar that was absolutely open to God. Joseph's presence might have been a hindrance to Jacob's openness to God. But now, after the loss of Joseph, Jacob was free from every frustration and was completely open to the Lord. Undoubtedly, Jacob thought about Joseph day after day. He had concluded that Joseph had been devoured by an evil beast, but this had not been confirmed. Hence, Jacob might have thought that perhaps he would see Joseph again. This pressed Jacob to God and opened him up to God. The more he thought about Joseph, the more open he was. During all these years, Jacob was a jar open to the heavens, and the heavenly rain was continuously falling into him. In this period of time Jacob was daily in the presence of God, being filled with the divine life.

I only hope I could have the same testimony as Jacob - to be a jar open to the heavens, continually in the presence of God.

There is a hymn about being an earthen vessel:

1 Earthen vessel I was made,
Christ in me the treasure laid;
His container I must be,
As the content He in me.

2 In His image I was made,
Fit that Christ should all pervade;
Thus the vessel God did form
With the content uniform.

3 In my spirit He remains,
With His power He sustains;
As the Spirit one with me,
He is my reality.

4 Moving in me day by day,
Mingling with me all the way,
All my steps He regulates,
Every part He saturates.

5 Him expressing from within,
Making Him to others seen,
I transparent have to be
That He may be shown thru me.

6 Transformation is my need,
To be broken more indeed,
That the clay may change in form,
To the treasure to conform.

Like Jacob my need is transformation - Oh Lord may this clay change in form and conform more and more to You, the treasure!

Love,
Joanne

Back from the hospital

Hi Everyone,
Sorry for the delay in updating you all, but I ended up going to the emergency room at Brigham and Women's on Tuesday (along with MANY other people) because the vomiting had not subsided and Dr. Berlin thought there might be a partial obstruction. I didn't have to wait too long to get into a bed but had to spend the night in the emergency room because the hospital had nothing available until the next day. I had a CT scan which showed that all the tumors and suspicious lymph nodes had gotten smaller (Hallelujah!). So at first the doctors thought that the cancer was caused my GI system to malfunction. I didn't feel that this was the only problem, but just prayed that the Lord would uncover and resolve whatever needed to be resolved. I was in the hospital until Friday when I was hurriedly discharged so that I could keep an out-patient appointment with a Gastro-neurologist Dr. Stoffel, which had been made one month ago. When I left, I was still in pain and didn't feel any better then when I was first admitted. But God was at work behind the scenes. Seeing this doctor was vital - she looked at the CT scan and she felt that I needed a further barium study to look at the stent area because she felt that that area looked clogged or compressed. While I was still in the exam room, she checked and found that they x-ray people could do the test right away, so we walked over to that area and I had the test immediately. They read the xray which confirmed the doctor's diagnosis (there was only 1 mm of fluid going through the stent area) and contacted the doctor and then I went back to her office and she said that I should be readmitted to the hospital and that the doctor that placed the stent back in November (Dr. Carlock) would be able to do the endoscopic procedure to look at, clean out and perhaps place a new stent if necessary. [Sorry for the long run on sentences.] The procedure was done on Friday night and what was supposed to be 30 minutes turned out to be 90 minutes. The stent area was clogged - I suppose I should clarify - I thought the stent was like a ring of a looseleaf binder - but it is long and follows the duodenum in length - so there were 2 of them placed and the front one had become loose and was free floating. Food (mostly vegetables) had gotten stuck in that area so that nothing much could pass through. The doctor was able to remove that stent, clean out the area and place a new stent that was longer and fit into the second one which was doing fine. I have to be very strict about eating since these stents tend to clog easily. This procedure was not too painful but very uncomfortable - my throat and stomach hurt a lot today. Since I was able to eat solid food, I was released from the hospital and returned home in time for dinner. I was able to eat some pureed soup tonight and some gelato - which helped the back of my throat. It is good to be home and I am just in awe of how the Lord took care of so many details - even before we asked He had answered having everything in place.

Isaiah 65:24 says: And it will be that before they call, I will answer; Even while they are speaking, I will hear.

Psalms 66:19-20 says: 19 But indeed God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. 20 Blessed be God, Who has not turned my prayer away Nor His lovingkindness from me.

Here is a wonderful hymn about prayer - I do appreciate all the prayer - I know that the resolution of this latest problem is due to that prayer and God's faithfulness.

Here is a link to the melody if you want to sing along. http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=h&n=771&f=mid

1 The veil is rent and opened is
A new and living way;
With boldness thru the precious blood,
We come to Thee to pray.

2 By Thy redemption we may come
Into the holiest place;
Thy Spirit now anointing us,
We touch the throne of grace.

3 In spirit only we would pray,
Ourselves by Thee possessed,
That from our spirit Christ the Lord
As incense be expressed.

4 Thy grace and mercy as a stream
From out the throne does flow,
Refreshing in the hour of need-
How rich, how sweet to know!

5 Though for our needs we do not ask
But by Thy Spirit pray,
Our every need is known to Thee,
We’re in Thy care alway.

6 Though griefs and trials on us press,
We will not anxious be,
But all our care upon Thee cast
And set our spirit free.

7 O may I concentrated be
In fellowship with Thee,
My prayer and incense offering,
Thy Spirit leading me.

It is such a comfort to know that our every need is know by Him and that we are always in His care. Hallelujah! Well, I should rest.

Much love,
Joanne

Prayer request

Hi Everyone,
On Saturday it seems the food just couldn't pass through from my stomach to the small intestine and caused vomiting. I'm not sure why - although I did eat a tangerine on Friday which could have caused some issues. But today I am still having problems - my stomach is uncomfortable and things don't seem to be moving through very easily - and I was very strict today with what I ate. So I will call Dr. Berlin tomorrow - maybe a CT scan is the next step - Please pray that the food moves through and that the problem is properly diagnosed.

Today I was reminded of the first verse of a hymn by Fanny Crosby -

All the way my Savior leads me;
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate'er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well,
For I know, whate'er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

Amen! Thank you for praying.

Love,
Joanne

update and encouragement

Hi Everyone,
I am checking in - I've really been feeling crummy this week but things are looking up - as each day I feel a bit better. Aside from not really being able to rest because of side effects, I am encouraged that none of the nasty side effects lasts forever. My next chemo round will be at Dana-Farber on February 19. I'm not sure how many rounds I have left - I will check with Dr. Berlin when I see her next.


My experience has been similar to David's in Psalm 30:

1 I extol You, O Jehovah, for You have drawn me up And have not let my enemies rejoice over me.

2 O Jehovah my God, I cried out to You, And You healed me.

3 O Jehovah, You have brought up my soul from Sheol; You have preserved me alive that I would not go down into the pit.

4 Sing psalms to Jehovah, you who are His faithful ones; And praise His holy memorial.

5 For His anger lasts but a moment, His favor, a lifetime; Weeping may linger in the evening, But a ringing shout goes up in the morning.

6 As for me, I said in my prosperity, I will never be shaken.

7 O Jehovah, by Your favor You had made my mountain stand strong. You hid Your face; I was troubled.

8 To You, O Jehovah, I called out; And to Jehovah I made my supplication.

9 What profit is there in my blood if I go down into the pit? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness?

10 Hear, O Jehovah, and be gracious to me. O Jehovah, be my help.

11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosened my sackcloth And girded me with rejoicing,

12 That my glory might sing psalms to You and not be silent. O Jehovah my God, I will praise You forever.

Thank you all for praying, calling out and making supplication - because of this I am so encouraged even when things don't look all that encouraging. God is faithful!

In my hymnal, there is a section called Comfort in Trials. Here is a hymn from that section by John Newton. It is a strengthening,anxiety-quieting, girding up hymn-and reminds me that though the road is "rough and thorny" it leads us on to God!

1 Be still, my heart! these anxious cares
To thee are burdens, thorns and snares;
They cast dishonor on the Lord,
And contradict His gracious word.

2 Brought safely by His hand thus far,
Why wilt thou now give place to fear?
How canst thou want if He provide,
Or lose thy way with such a Guide?

3 When first before His mercy-seat
Thou didst to Him thine all commit;
He gave thee warrant from that hour
To trust His wisdom, love, and power.

4 Did ever trouble yet befall,
And He refuse to hear thy call?
And has He not His promise passed,
That thou shalt overcome at last?

5 He who has helped me hitherto
Will help me all my journey through,
And give me daily cause to raise
New Ebenezers to His praise.

6 Though rough and thorny be the road,
It leads thee on, apace, to God;
Then count thy present trials small,
For God will make amends for all.


Much love,
Joanne