Quick update

I went to Dana-Farber yesterday and saw Dr. Berlin and the research nurses. Being in a clinical trial, I am seen by the doctor and the research team each week I have chemo. The CA-125 test is done once at the beginning of each round of chemo- so it was done on October 3rd and was 119. Yesterday it was 161. Dr. Berlin says not to be too concerned about it - that the real evaluator of how well the chemo is working will be the CT scan which is scheduled for Friday November 7, the week I don't have chemo. Of course, they do like to see the number come down. But I was told to just let it be for now and not worry about it since it is too early in the treatment to tell anything from those numbers. By the way, I am losing some hair but nothing dramatic - I have a huge amount so if the hair loss continues at this rate, I might not need to use a wig for a while. We'll see - hair loss is really not a huge issue now that I have been through it.

I read this excerpt from Twelve Baskets Full by Watchman Nee - it is very sweet and encouraging:

To have a true walk with God just one time can cause your heart to marvel and worship more than a hundred years of walking on this earth by natural sight. Your duty is to be at rest in God's hand under whatever circumstances there may be.

God reveals Himself when we are in need (Exo. 15:22-26). When we consider ourselves to be strong, we rely on our own strength, resulting in spiritual weakness. When we know how useless we are and thus rely on His strength, we are strong.

Difficulties provide the atmosphere for miracles and are the initial step to miracles. If there is to be a great miracle, what is encountered must not only be something hard, but something absolutely impossible to overcome. Whether the Lord has spoken or not, we can fully trust in a Savior who is without worry or fear.

If God leads you to walk a way that you know, it will not benefit you as much as if He would lead you to take the way that you do not know. This forces you to have hundreds and thousands of conversations with Him, resulting in a journey that is an everlasting memorial between you and Him.

Your Leader will lead you to walk an untrodden way, to go down a path you never dreamed of. He is afraid of nothing, and He wishes you to be afraid of nothing also. He is with you. In desperate situations it is His joy to see His children grasping His hands.

Enjoy the journey today!

Joanne

earthen vessels

Sorry for a delay in writing. I have been so tired lately - and have been visiting my mom at the nursing home in the evenings. She is not really much better as far as the pain she has from the shingles and this is very discouraging to her. She has had opportunities to sing and this has made her feel better about herself and her life, which is a blessing from the Lord. This Friday I start the second round of chemo which consists of 2 doses 1 week apart. Then I should have the CT scan to see how things are going. I didn't get any blood test results so I don't know about the CA-125. I also see Dr. Berkowitz on Friday. Please continue to pray that this chemo is effective. I do thank you for all your prayers - they are such a support and supply to me.

This week I read some verses from 2 Corinthians 4:7, 16-18:
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellency of the power may be of God and not out of us.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart; but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.

17 For our momentary lightness of affliction works out for us, more and more surpassingly, an eternal weight of glory,

18 Because we do not regard the things which are seen but the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Verse 7 really struck me. The footnotes for these verses are really amazing:

7-1(a): God's shining in our hearts brings into us a treasure, the Christ of glory, who is the embodiment of God to be our life and our everything. But we who contain this treasure are earthen vessels, worthless and fragile. A priceless treasure is contained in worthless vessels! This has made the worthless vessels ministers of the new covenant with a priceless ministry. This has been accomplished by the divine power in resurrection. The excellency of the power is surely of God and not out of us.

7-2: This treasure, the indwelling Christ, in us, the earthen vessels, is the divine source of the supply for the Christian life. It is by the excellent power of this treasure that the apostles as the ministers of the new covenant were capable of living a crucified life that the resurrection life of Christ, whom they ministered, might be manifested. Thus, they manifested the truth (v. 2) for the shining of the gospel.

There is a cross-reference to the word vessels:
Lamentations 4 : 2

2 The precious sons of Zion, Comparable to fine gold, How they are esteemed as earthen pitchers, The work of the hands of a potter.

A few years ago I was teaching a lesson to the children about our being a vessel. I researched how pottery is made - and I found the most incredible words used in explanations: how the clay is squeezed, cut, formed, shaped, thrown, opened, pulled, shaped again, trimmed, signed, dried, sanded, stacked and fired the first time, then dipped in hot wax, dipped in glaze, painted, stacked, loaded, fired again, cooled, and sanded to make the vessel prepared and useful. Doesn't this just explain our Christian life? We are all in the process somewhere - whether it is being squeezed, or shaped, or thrown, or dipped in hot wax - God's goal is just to make the earthen vessel useful to the master (2 Tim 2:21).

When you consider the events in life in this light, it helps to understand what is going on. We are in the Potter's able hands. Surely He knows what He is doing. We can rest in that fact and joyfully look forward to the day when we are ready for the Master's use.

When we feel especially earthen - it is okay because we are in the process of verse 7 - the Lord is helping us to realize that we are just that - earthen vessels - and He is the treasure. Watchman Nee once wrote about this in the booklet The Treasure in Earthen Vessels. I highly recommend reading it. Here are two excerpts:

Today I would like to say that no Christian has an earthen vessel that is earthy enough to prohibit the Lord's treasure from being manifested. No matter how weak we are, remember that the Lord's treasure is manifested in it. Therefore, we see a spiritual paradox in Paul and in us. Do we know what people said about Paul? They said that his speech was contemptible (10:10b), that he took them by guile (12:16), and that he was fickle and said "Yes, yes" and "No, no" (1:17). They said his letters were weighty and strong enough to terrify people (10:9-10). But paradoxically, God's treasure looks very good in such an earthen vessel. God's treasure would not look so nice without the earthen vessel. I am saying that Paul was a genuine man. Thank God that the Lord shined out, or broke out, from within him. He was not a man without feelings. But in his sorrow, he said, "I always rejoice." He was not rejoicing constantly or in sorrow constantly; rather, he constantly rejoiced in his sorrow.

Let me tell you that this is the special characteristic of Christianity. There is a smile while tears are flowing. Many Christians act better than Paul, but they do not live like a Christian. They only can praise the Lord; they are not like a Christian. Many Christians think they can attain a state of never being sorrowful or troubled. There are others who are continually sorrowful and troubled. This means that the treasure has not been expressed in them. But here we have a man through whom the Lord Jesus could pass. I have seen some of the Lord's most outstanding children. When I saw them, I immediately knew who they were and what kind of persons they were. But at the same time I knew what kind of persons they were before the Lord. Today we do not want to see any trace of the earthen vessel when we look at people. Sometimes, however, our eyes only see the earthen vessel. Those who know God, however, are able to see the treasure in earthen vessels when they look at God's children.

...

Finally, I would like to say that I especially thank God because no human weakness can limit God's power. What do we think in our hearts? We tend to think that if there is sorrow, there should not be joy; if there are tears, there should not be praise; if there is weakness, there should not be power; if there is pressing on every side, there should be constriction; if there is casting down, there should be destruction; and if there are doubts, we should be unable to believe. But tonight I would like to loudly declare that this is not true. God wants us to arrive at the point where we see that everything human is just an earthen vessel to contain God's treasure. Everything human is an earthen vessel for God's treasure. Nothing human is able to bury God's treasure. We do not need to be disappointed when we meet with disappointment. Although we cannot make it, we should allow something positive to come in, and when it does, it shines better, more brightly, and more gloriously. Many times we have doubts after praying, and we think that everything is finished. When faith comes, however, it magnifies the treasure despite the lingering presence of doubt. Faith makes the treasure more glorious. I am not speaking of an ideal; I know what I am saying. God's treasure can be expressed in earthen vessels. This is a spiritual paradox; it is precious to every Christian. It is in the context of this spiritual paradox that we live and learn to know our God.

As we journey along this way, we will discover the immensity of the spiritual contradiction that exists within us. As time goes on, we find this cleavage, this dividing gulf, is ever widening; the contradiction within us is ever accentuated. At the same time, the treasure is expressed ever clearer. The earthen vessel remains an earthen vessel. How wonderful this picture is! We find a man whose original traits remain intact, yet God gives him a patience far more excellent than his natural resilience. It is better to see a man in whom God has placed humility than to see a naturally reticent person. It is better to see a man in whom God has placed meekness than to see a person who is weak and impotent by nature. It is better to see a person in whom God's power resides than to see a naturally strong man. The inward difference is enormous. It matters little what kind of earthen vessel we have; the treasure can always go inside. The earthen vessel remains an earthen vessel, but it is now a filled vessel. All weak people think that they are too earthen; their vessels are too full of clay and they are without any hope. Please remember that we have no reason to be disappointed or troubled. Whatever is spiritual, strong, powerful, and comes from the Lord can be manifested in us and will shine brighter and be magnified through the earthen vessel. Since this is the case, we can see the importance of the treasure.

This is so encouraging to me! The point is the glorious treasure.

Here is a wonderful hymn about this matter:

1 Earthen vessel I was made,
Christ in me the treasure laid;
His container I must be,
As the content He in me.

2 In His image I was made,
Fit that Christ should all pervade;
Thus the vessel God did form
With the content uniform.

3 In my spirit He remains,
With His power He sustains;
As the Spirit one with me,
He is my reality.

4 Moving in me day by day,
Mingling with me all the way,
All my steps He regulates,
Every part He saturates.

5 Him expressing from within,
Making Him to others seen,
I transparent have to be
That He may be shown thru me.

6 Transformation is my need,
To be broken more indeed,
That the clay may change in form,
To the treasure to conform.

Lord, conform us more to the Treasure today.

Much love dear ones,
Joanne

chemo, apples and fall

Hi everyone,
I had the second dose of chemo on Friday and had the same response - a headache, some stomach pain, fatigue and intestinal issues. Please continue to pray that the chemo is doing its work - killing the cancer cells and that the side effects are not too much to bear.

I was able to go apple picking with my 2 daughters Anna and Elizabeth and 2 dear sisters Rebecca and Saralyn. It was quite a glorious day - no clouds, no wind, no humidity, not too hot - just perfect. We went up to Stow, MA and I was able to pick apples! We really enjoyed the beautiful leaves - I can't remember them being quite so glorious. It is really amazing that the leaves, once they have lose their chlorophyll turn such a vibrant color before they fall off the tree and die. This is quite a paradox - to be most beautiful in death, but then I thought about a hymn that goes along with this concept:

1 If I’d know Christ’s risen power.
I must ever love the Cross;
Life from death alone arises;
There’s no gain except by loss.

Chorus
If no death, no life,
If no death, no life;
Life from death alone arises;
If no death, no life.

2 If I’d have Christ formed within me,
I must breathe my final breath,
Live within the Cross’s shadow,
Put my soul-life e’er to death.

3 If God thru th’ Eternal Spirit
Nail me ever with the Lord;
Only then as death is working
Will His life thru me be poured.

Perhaps the Lord created this cycle as a reminder to us that His death was not a tragedy or a horrible death, but a glorious one. Through His death, His life was released. As the grain of wheat which fell into the ground to die, He brought forth many grains - much fruit. So His death is celebrated every fall by the leaves turning such vibrant colors. I guess it's the same with us - while it seems like a terrible thing to face - the cross - actually it sets us free from self-centeredness, self-love and self-seeking. The experience of the cross's terminating is a gateway to experiencing the divine life. Like the last verse of the hymn says, only then as death is working will His life through me be poured.

Take a moment to enjoy the leaves today and praise the One whom they glorify!



Much love,
Joanne

Update and more chemo tomorrow

Hi Everyone,
I got the Thyroid biopsy results back - no cancer!! Hallelujah! I have chemo again tomorrow. I haven't felt too bad this week, which is such a blessing. I am so thankful that I have been able to function. I've been able to go to work too, and even forget that I am on chemo. That is really amazing. My hair is still intact just a few strands falling out each day - nothing major- so perhaps after the next dose, it may start to fall out in greater quantity. Every time I lose a stand I think about the verse Luke 12:7 - But even the hairs of your head have all been numbered. Do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows. The Lord's database of hairs of my head will be getting updated a bit more frequently - but how wonderful it is to know that God is aware of every detail of our lives - even down to a falling strand of hair. He is so awesome.

This week I have been reading verses about not loving the world - and also about losing our soul-life in this age. It seems impossible on one hand to not love the world. So much out there is attractive to our soul - it has been designed by the god of this world to lure us and usurp our hearts. So how can we resist its attraction?
The verse that I read had to do with taking up the cross and following the Lord Jesus. The Lord took up the cross and then was crucified. But we, His followers, were crucified with Him first and then we bear the cross today. Why is this significant? I realized that the power to not love the world does not originate with us. It lies in the accomplished work of Christ on the cross. Galatians 6:14 says "But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom the world has been crucified to me and I to the world." So how do I access this power? By touching the Lord each day. Even by praying, "Lord, You know what I love - You know how strong my soul is. I just yield myself to You. May the killing work of the cross operate in me today. Don't let me get away - don't let me stay in my soul - cause me to remain in the accomplished work of Christ today." This is not asceticism or just a denial of the self by the power of the self but rather something dynamic - it is rather to remain under the killing of the cross of Christ.

There are so many wonderful hymns about the cross of Christ. But this morning I enjoyed this hymn especially:

1 Drawn to the Cross which Thou hast blest,
With healing gifts for souls distrest,
To find in Thee my Life, my Rest,
Christ crucified, I come.
Stained with the sins which I have wrought
In word and deed and secret thought;
For pardon which Thy Blood hath bought,
Christ crucified, I come.

2 Weary of selfishness and pride,
False pleasures gone, vain hopes denied,
Deep in Thy wounds my shame to hide,
Christ crucified, I come.
Thou knowest all my griefs and fears,
Thy grace abused, my misspent years;
Yet now to Thee, for cleansing tears,
Christ crucified, I come.

3 I would not, if I could, conceal
The ills which only Thou canst heal;
So to the Cross, where sinners kneel,
Christ crucified, I come.
Wash me, and take away each stain,
Let nothing of my sin remain;
For cleansing, though it be through pain,
Christ crucified, I come.

4 To share with Thee Thy life divine,
Thy very likeness to be mine,
Since Thou hast made my nature Thine,
Christ crucified, I come.
To be what Thou wouldst have me be,
Accepted, sanctified in Thee,
Through what Thy grace shall work in me,
Christ crucified, I come.

How wonderful!
Much love to all of you,
Joanne

First Day of Chemo

Hi Everyone,
I had my first dose of chemo - which takes only 15 minutes to infuse - but almost 4 hours to wait! I saw the research team and I signed up for another trial which just requires blood and urine samples - they are looking for any other markers in women with ovarian cancer - I am happy to participate in this kind of study. This morning I'm feeling kind of yucky but nothing like after the platinum chemos, carboplatin and cisplatin. I'm having usual side effects but hopefully these will quiet down. I was sustained by all the prayers yesterday and will continue to be sustained by the bountiful supply of the Spirit. God is so faithful. I am praying that this drug is able to keep the cancer from increasing. My CA-125 went up to 119 and the CT scan from last week showed mild progression of the disease. Overall, the spots they were keeping track of have grown (the implant on the paracolic gutter, several spots on the transverse colon, and also the vaginal cuff all have grown and are indicative of mild recurrence. The growth has been slight - a few millimeters. But anything over 1 centimeter is measured and tracked. The goal with this trial is to maintain that baseline and not have more than 20% growth overall. Through all of this I am learning to live in the unseen realm where CA-125s and CT scan results are not reality. The Lord Jesus crucified on the cross sin, death, the world, Satan, and sickness. He is Lord and I am praying that His plan, His perfect will would be carried out. I am so encouraged when I set my mind on these things. It is hard when the mind likes to drift off to the land of "what ifs", anxieties and fear. Praise the Lord that perfect love casts out all fear. There are 2 verses in 1 John that speak about perfect love.

The first verse is in 1 John 4:12:

12 No one has beheld God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.

The footnote for perfected is:

12-4 The Greek word means to complete, to accomplish, to finish. In God Himself the love of God itself is perfect and complete. However, in us it needs to be perfected and completed in its manifestation. It was manifested to us in God's sending of His Son to be both a propitiatory sacrifice and life to us (vv. 9-10). Yet if we do not love one another with this love as it was manifested to us, that is, if we do not express it by loving one another with the love with which God loved us, it is not manifested perfectly and completely. This love is perfected and completed in its manifestation when we express it in our living by habitually loving one another with it. Our living in which we love one another in the love of God is the perfection and completion of this love in its manifestation in us. Thus, in our living in God's love, others can behold God manifested in His essence, which is love.

The other verse was 1 John 4:18:
18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear because fear has punishment, and he who fears has not been perfected in love.

The key is to allow God's love to be perfected in us - this casts out fear.

So I will just keep praying Jude 1:21 - Lord, Keep me in the Love of God.

Jude 1:21

21 Keep yourselves in the love of God, awaiting the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

The love of God is a great place to be..

Here is one of my favorite hymns on this wonderful topic:

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Refrain

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.



May God's love be your dwelling place today!

Joanne

The Details

Hi Everyone,
I guess I need to fill you all in - my mom ended up at the hospital with a severe urinary tract infection and bronchitis, which caused an altered mental status - she was really delusional and was in the hospital for 5 days. She was moved last week to a skilled nursing facility where they were able to monitor her. So I've been visiting her each day - she seems a bit confused and scared to be alone there. The construction on the house is just about complete. It is hard to believe but I can testify that the Lord's grace is more than sufficient - through the flood, the disorganization of everything, the moving of contents of rooms etc. He is the sure supply.

Today I have the fine needle biopsy - it was moved up from last week to today. This shouldn't be painful - but I've had this before many years ago and I remember it wasn't entirely pain free. O Lord. Tomorrow I begin the clinical trial. The infusion of the chemo drug isn't very long - only about 30 minutes. But I have to see Dr. Berlin and have blood tests etc. prior to the infusion - that always takes a long time. My visit with her and the other research nurse Christin was a really good visit. I also saw Irene, the social worker who didn't know about my change in status. The support at Dana-Farber is excellent. But I know I am being sustained and carried by the prayers of all the faithful saints.

I have been enjoying the Gospel of Luke lately and really saw something about the difference between happiness and joy. The verses I was reading were
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:
16 Always rejoice,
17 Unceasingly pray,
18 In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
How can we always rejoice? Only if the source of our rejoicing is something in another realm..if the primary factor in our lives is God Himself, then we can rejoice regardless of the circumstances. Happiness is so conditional - it is based on our circumstances. If anyone or anything other than God Himself becomes the primary factor in our lives, we will become enslaved to that thing and we will lose our joy. How we need to get ourselves into God each morning and pray to stay there - like the verse in Acts 17:28a: In Him we live, move and are..
If God is the primary factor in our lives, then whether we are healthy or not, we can rejoice, whether we have a job or not, we can rejoice! We rejoice because our center and focus is God alone. This is another aspect of the Jubilee - the freedom from slavery to things working out okay. If the Son sets us free, we are REALLY FREE! Hallelujah!

There a little song I love to pray to the Lord. Here is link to the tune: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php?t=ns&n=116&f=mp3

Lord, I give myself to You right now.
I want to be occupied with You.
I leave all else behind
And concentrate my being on You alone.
Lord You are my focus.
You are my goal.
Lord, I give myself to you right now.

Of course, the wonderful hymn I posted a couple of posts ago still applies - Glorious Freedom! Wonderful Freedom! Take a moment to enjoy that great hyman again.

One simple way to enjoy the freedom that is in Christ alone is simply to call on His name - O Lord Jesus - Just breathe His name. Proverbs says that the name of the Lord is enterable - we can flee into it and be safe (Proverbs 18:10).

Enjoy being free today!
Much love,
Joanne