feeling better

It was great to be able to bake a Polish Apple Cake today - I just love the smell of the cinnamon and apples. I walked outside in the sunshine yesterday and I was pretty exhausted today. But it was worth it! I still have the bleeding problem and will need to see the surgeon next week to make sure everything is okay. I will have my next round of chemo Tuesday Oct 2-4. Paul will be going out of town from Oct 4-7 for a conference - I hope he will be much refreshed and renewed. Please pray for this next round of chemo: no kidney damage, raised white blood cell count, that it would effectively destroy all the cancer cells and also pray about the side effects - it seems that the IP chemo (the chemo that goes into the abdominal cavity) causes the bleeding to increase - and it does cause a great bit of discomfort. The cis-platin is also a very strong chemo drug which causes all the side effects.

I am thankful that I felt better today and will have a few days of feeling good before being hit again. We had a visit from Paul's roommate Vernon Lin from BU days. He was also Stephen's boss when he was working at the VA on the west coast, as well as a dear brother in the Lord. As I related to him all that had transpired over the past 5 months I realized that I am doing so well today because of all the prayer - so much happened because every detail of my medical condition and care is covered in prayer - I am so thankful and in awe of this. I also appreciate all the practical care - from meals to emails to comments on the blog to visits to cards - the support is so touching.

Today I enjoyed this hymn:

Out of my bondage, sorrow, and night,
Jesus, I come! Jesus, I come!
Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,
Jesus, I come to Thee!
Out of my sickness into Thy health,
Out of my want and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee!

Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come! Jesus, I come!
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee!
Out of earth's sorrows into Thy balm,
Out of life's storm and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee!

Out of unrest and arrogant pride,
Jesus, I come! Jesus, I come!
Into Thy blessed will to abide,
Jesus, I come to Thee!
Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,
Out of despair into raptures above,
Upward for aye on wings like a dove,
Jesus, I come to Thee!

Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,
Jesus, I come! Jesus, I come!
Into the joy and pleasure, Thine own,
Jesus, I come to Thee!
Out of the depths of ruin untold,
Into the flock Thy love doth enfold,
Ever Thy glorious face to behold,
Jesus, I come to Thee!

I enjoyed that with Christ we have an alternative - He is the door, the way out of so much sadness and pain and also the door, the way into riches untold. This hymn provides such an accurate picture of our life and also of His life. Jesus said in John 10 : 9

9 I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he shall be saved and shall go in and go out and shall find pasture.

How wonderful He is! What riches He is to us moment by moment.
May you be blessed by His presence and strengthened by touching Him today.
Thank you all for praying!
Joanne

outside today

Today my headache subsided some and I was able to walk around the block outside. It was exhausting and I can't say that it was totally pleasant but it was good to be out and to feel the sun and the breeze - it was hard to believe it is fall since it felt a bit like July out there. Some of the side effects are subsiding but the bleeding continues - please pray that there are no complications with that and also that the bloating in the abdominal cavity goes down - it is uncomfortable. I believe the next round of chemo is next week - I hope to have a few days of feeling better before the next round starts - today I did feel a bit better and I am so thankful for that!

I've been losing what little hair I have but there are a few longer strands that just hang on - it's funny how the hair falls out - I lost my eyelashes last week and lots of hair on my head but I still have a little peach fuzz on top - my daughter Elizabeth sees lots of gray hairs and says shes sorry about that -but hair is only significant to me these days in that it is numbered! Matthew 10:30-30 But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.
Luke 12:7 But even the hairs of your head have all been numbered. Do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows.
So my hair falling out reminds me not to be afraid and that I am of more value to the Lord than many sparrows.

The refrain to an old hymn comes to mind:
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Even more than just watching - He is daily supplying Himself as life to meet all our needs. Praise Him!

Much love, Joanne

Getting through

This weekend has been a bit rough - the side effects of the chemo are different from the last round - headache, dry mouth, nose bleeds and some bleeding from the hysterectomy - I am told that a little bleeding is okay - it is not much but a bit worrisome. I am also having some abdominal pain which I didn't have prior to this last chemo round. Please pray that I might be able to rest, since I haven't been able to do that much. Hopefully the side effects will lessen this week since I have my next round of chemo starting next week sometime - I don't have the schedule yet. It really helps to have a space of feeling good between rounds.

Yesterday I was able to play the piano and sing a few hymns which is always refreshing and good for every part of my being - http://www.hymnal.net/Hymns/NewTunes/midi/e0600_new.mid

This is a link to a new tune for the following hymn:

My God, My Portion, and my Love,
My everlasting All,
I've none but Thee in heav'n above,
Or on this earthly ball.
What empty things are all the skies,
And this inferior clod!
There's nothing here deserves my joys,
There’s nothing like my God.

To Thee I owe my wealth, and friends,
And health, and safe abode;
Thanks to Thy name for meaner things,
But they are not my God.
How vain a toy is glittering wealth,
If once compared to Thee!
Or what's my safety, or my health,
Or all my friends to me.

Were I possessor of the earth,
And called the stars my own,
Without Thy graces and Thyself,
I were a wretch undone.
Let others stretch their arms like seas,
And grasp in all the shore;
Grant me the visits of Thy grace,
And I desire no more.

Oh Lord, grant me to abide in Your all-sufficient grace today.

I'm going to try to rest a bit - perhaps the headache will subside.
Thank you all for your prayer and support.
Much love,
Joanne

Some progress

Well, the bloat in my abdomen is going down some so it is a bit less uncomfortable - it is a very weird feeling - there are also some of the side effects - intestinal distress from the taxil and my mouth tastes and feels unusual. I tried washing the slipcovers on the couch yesterday - just taking the covers off and bringing them downstairs to the washing machine and then switching them to the dryer and then bringing them up and putting them back on the couch - (all this over a 3 hours period) really did me in. I was so exhausted, which was surprising as that was something I used to do on my way to doing something else! Apparently the dogs have decided that the couch is the best place to lounge when nobody is looking and the light covers were becoming darker and darker....
I wanted to mention that there is an ovarian cancer walk in Boston on October 7 to raise money for research and also raise Ovarian Cancer awareness. I don't think I will be able to participate because it will be right after a chemo round but here's the link if anyone wants to walk the 3 miles for a good cause - you can learn about the warning signs and make others aware too. It is a very hidden disease that is often detected in late stages. Here's the link to the website about the walk:

http://mawalkforthewhisper.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=236027

This morning I read through a number of hymns in a section of my hymnbook called Longings. It was so refreshing to realize that while I worry about my spiritual condition through this ordeal, I can just pour out my longing to the Lord regarding all my inadequacies and He, the faithful One Who calls us, will take care of those inadequacies and accomplish what He desires. He operates the willing and the working of His good pleasure. He is able, as the children's song goes, to carry us through.
Jude 1:24 - But to Him who is able to guard you from stumbling and to set you before His glory without blemish in exultation,
To Him be the glory!
Much love,
Joanne

Please pray for restored energy, staying hydrated and getting some sleep - I haven't been sleeping too well these days.

Today's chemo

Well, today's chemo at Dana Farber went as expected - the nurse got the needle in on the first try without much pain! - I'm finding that pain is bearable when you don't fight it - a difficult lesson to learn. The protocol is to fill the abdominal cavity with 2 liters (that's right - a large soda bottle) full of saline and add the taxil and then I have to swish it around for 2 hours by what they call "rocking and rolling" every fifteen minutes. I told Missy who sat with me for the event, that I felt like a manatee - so big and bulky - without the benefit of being buoyed up by water. It is uncomfortable at best but doing the job of killing cancer cells is important and necessary work.

Then Dr. Berlin came by and she said that I have had remarkable progress with the chemo and should be very encouraged about how I am doing. She says she remembers when she first met me and can't believe the incredible progress. It was really something - she just launched into this encouraging little talk - which I had whispered to the Lord about yesterday when I was feeling very worn out by all the side effects - I just mentioned to Him that it would be nice to hear if this was all worth it, but I didn't know if I could bring it up because I was feeling so awful. Isaiah 65:24 says: "And it will be that before they call, I will answer; Even while they are speaking, I will hear." This week the teachers at the school where I volunteer as a librarian have brought meals every day - it is perfect timing because I really didn't want to eat this week because of the metal taste, etc. but I just couldn't wait to see what was coming to the door! The Lord is too sweet. The comments and email and prayers and calls have sustained me through today. So I just have a few days of taxil side effects to deal with once the steroid wears off - but Dr. Berlin says that the side effects should be less because the dose is less. We'll see.

The students in a classroom at Holy Name School in West Roxbury have been praying for me - their teacher, a close friend. It is so sweet to know that these little ones are using this rather unpleasant situation to find out that God is approachable and near to us, accessible and dear and One who hears our cries. May their coming to the Lord in prayer be a reality that is woven into the daily fabric of their lives now and always.

I am so blessed to be cared for by all of you. It is most overwhelming.
Much love,
Joanne

side effects

I have been having the unpleasantries of metal mouth, intestinal difficulties, stomach pain, peeling skin inside my mouth and general yuckiness - all of which means that the chemo is doing its job and cancer cells are being destroyed. It is hard sometimes to keep going - last night I just was overwhelmed with the worry about tomorrow's chemo and its effect on my body when I feel like this. Please pray about the needle insertion - needles are not my favorite....and also pray for my white blood cell count - hopefully it will be at a level where the next part of the chemo can be administered.

I realize that I am a bundle of contradictory feelings - I know I need the second half of the chemo and yet I am worried about the treatment and its side effects. There is a verse in Hebrews 6:18b-19a: "...we may have strong encouragement, we who have fled for refuge to lay hold of the hope set before us,
19 Which we have as an anchor of the soul,..."

The footnote for anchor says that Anchor signifies that we are on a stormy sea and that without the anchor of hope we may shipwreck.

So while on the stormy sea, I do have an anchor - which is the hope set before us. Lord, strengthen us all today to lay hold of that hope. --A favorite verse of mine about hope is 1 Peter 1:3.

Better go lie down a bit,
much love,
Joanne

a few comforting things

Yesterday morning, I played the piano for a while - something I haven't done in weeks and I tried singing - however my voice is a cross between Minnie Mouse and Snow White (in the old Disney movie) - kind of squeaky - I guess the chemo affects the vocal chord tissue a bit. I was thankful that I was able to do that much!

I am worried about Thursday's needle puncture - the 2nd IP chemo dose is administered at Dana Farber and they only use a numbing spray on the area - and then have to insert a 1.25" needle into the port which is above my rib. I am nervous about the pain - as I have said - I am not the best candidate for pain and suffering..but I know One who is acquainted with sorrows and grief. Please pray that I can lay hold of Him during the process and that the nurses can get the needle in without difficulty. Please continue to pray for no secondary infections or complications from the chemo and also that I might sleep some.

Someone brought by some apple crisp - and while I can't really taste it, the smell of the apples and cinnamon and nutmeg and brown sugar brought back such rich memories of the fall - for many years my sister and family has journeyed up to New England to have an apple picking adventure - ending the day with dinner at Chili's (not really a New England restaurant but a definite favorite in Dedham!) It has been such a great tradition and one that I looked forward to every year - we pick the apples (to make Polish Apple Cake and apple crisp and apple pies) and a pumpkin for making the fresh pumpkin pies at Thanksgiving. Then we would visit a cornfield maze which was more fun for the younger folks than for us, but we could walk and talk which is something we don't get to do much, living in different states and living such busy lives. The tradition might change a bit this year but I think we'll still get the apples and the great visit. imagine that one whiff of apple crisp brought that rush of pleasant and comforting memories.

There is a hymn a read yesterday when I was at the piano and I'd like to share it with you - I have read it many times in my life at different stages and strength for the day yesterday came with a whiff of apple crisp and hymn singing at the piano.

God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower strewn pathways all our lives through.
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way.
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

God math not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy, travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river, turbid and deep.

Hallelujah for what God has promised. Sometimes I get confused about what is promised to us as believers and then get disappointed when I don't get it - but God has promised strength for the day!Ephesians 6:10 says Finally, be empowered in the Lord and in the might of His strength.

May the Lord grant each of you today's supply of grace which will become your strength for this day. Thank you for standing with me in this struggle - your support also provides the support for each day.

Much love,
Joanne

Rest

Rest, that much needed and often elusive entity that is so important is something I have been pondering as I lie on my bed trying to do just that - rest. There are the distractions to rest like nausea and aches and thinking about needles.....all of which are rather jarring. I looked up rest in the New Testament and these verses were more specifically about rest - and the source of rest:

Matthew 11:28

28 Come to Me all who toil and are burdened, and I will give you rest.

Hebrews 4:10-11 (actually many of the preceding verses talk about rest)
10 For he who has entered into His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His own.
11 Let us therefore be diligent to enter into that rest lest anyone fall after the same example of disobedience.

While I realize that the rest here is really about ceasing to do things for God according to the law - I think there is some small application to my situation - that of trying to rest, trying to stop my mind from running through all the lists of anxious thoughts. Since I have time to think and consider and analyze, I often find my mind doing just that. I realized that when I do this - I am taking on the responsibility of fulfilling the law - which of course causes the rest to disappear -
so when the thoughts come about whether I am gaining the Lord enough or loving Him enough or seeking Him enough through all this, instead of getting geared up to try to be more, I realized that I need to turn to Him to enter into all that He has done and will do and has ordained from the foundation of the world and pray that all that He desires would be accomplished in me by His life in me. It is then that I enter into His rest. Turning to Him last night was just a whisper of O Lord Jesus I need You. It continues to be this today. So easy and simple and enterable.

Side effects are mounting but I am going to be a bit more diligent about taking meds to help with those. I am trying to drink. Please pray that I stay hydrated - it is tough when everything tastes like metal. Please pray that the chemo destroys the cancer and doesn't harm the kidneys and other cells.

Thank you all so much for your comments, your care, your prayers and love. They sustain me day by day and are such an encouragement. It is overwhelming.

Much love,
Joanne

First half of this round complete

Hi Everyone
I came home yesterday afternoon and have to go back today to Dana Farber to get hydrated since the cisplatin can damage kidneys. I'm supposed to stay hydrated - drink 2-3 liters of water a day which is a challenge due to the metallic taste in my mouth. I am also feeling bloated from the liquid in my abdominal cavity. Next Thursday, the 20th I am scheduled to have the second half of the chemo taxol in the abdominal cavity as well - as I haven't had this before and I've had some nasty side effects fromtaxol and also the needle insertion in my upper rib area is kind of stressful. I am so thankful to be at Dana Farber/BWH - the nurses are really kind, and caring - they tell me how great I look - which is always a surprise since I am continuing to lose what little hair I have and feel so crummy - yet they remember me back in April and are so excited about how well I am doing - which is a wonderful encouragement - and also reminds me that we often are not the best ones to assess our own progress - spiritual or otherwise - I am so often analyzing myself and this can be a drain in so many ways.

I need to follow my chemo protocol in the spiritual realm too - stay hydrated drinking the living water - John 4:14: "But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall by no means thirst forever; but the water that I will give him will become in him a fountain of water gushing up into eternal life."

May the Lord bless you all with living water today!
Much love,
Joanne

rescued from anxiety

I know it's late (2:30 am) - when I take steroids before chemo, they can keep me up. I had 2 visits today: one to coordinate for the children's service, which helped me see beyond the next rounds of chemo to a time when I can serve again! And the other visit from two sisters in the Lord - - they came to visit and we prayed, and sang hymns together - it was a real treat for me - one of them played the piano so I could just sing. I haven't done this for a while. These visits provided me with a way of escape from the anxiety about the upcoming chemo and gave me some insight into the following verse 1 Corinthians 10:13:
13 No temptation has taken you except that which is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow that you be tempted beyond what you are able, but will, with the temptation, also make the way out, that you may be able to endure it.

Today I understood that the "way out" which the Lord provided was through the visit of those sisters. I was not able to fight off the temptation to worry so the Lord brought them to visit and they provided a way out of the worry and also brought me into an enjoyment of the Lord so that I could endure the chemo.

Often I look for grander kinds of "ways out" - that would empower me to overcome the trial alone - like a kind of superhero Christian (which is kind of laughable but unfortunately true). However, like Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians, His strength is manifested in our weakness and really I am just a weak and fragile vessel. How much we need one another! By myself I am just not able to face much, but through the prayers, visits, calls, emails, cards, we are able!

Today I have to go to the hospital for the next round of chemo - 24 hours of taxol IV and then 2 hours of cisplatin IP (intraperitoneal). Then next week I am supposed to have the taxol IP on the 20th. Please pray for the effectiveness of this chemo treatment, and for my endurance of the side effects and for the Lord to regulate my intestines - they are really having a hard time with all the different meds and their side effects - Please pray that I am able to drink - and that I do not get dehydrated.

I should try to rest - thank you all for your faithfulness in prayer and for all the encouragement I receive through your care, which manifests God's love for me over and over.

Much love,
Joanne

next chemo date

I found out that my next chemo date is Tuesday, September 11 - it was moved up because of a scheduling issue - the second half of the chemo will still be on September 20 - that date is moved back since my white blood cell count was too low last time. The date is a surprise - I thought it would be later but instead it is earlier. Oh Lord! I am so grateful for these past two days - I feel much better and even tried a new recipe last night - I haven't really cooked in months so it was great to try - although I was really tired after the meal was finished. I am a bit anxious about the chemo - since I really felt awful last time. Psalm 25:1-2 Unto You, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You. Do not let me be ashamed. Do not let my enemies (cancer cells) exult over me.

This psalm is so genuine, so honest - David just pours out his distress to God. So I am following his pattern. Please pray for the next round - that the side effects would not be so overwhelming or damaging to my health and that the chemo would be effective. Thank you all so much for all the prayer, the care and concern - it is so encouraging to me.

Much love,
Joanne

Feeling better

I feel a bit better - seems like I've turned the corner and have a bit more energy and appetite. I took a walk today - it was a really glorious day - breezy and sunny and not humid. Despite a recurring headache, I was able to walk around the block! Sometimes I feel isolated in my room, so being outside was a real treat. I was really exhausted when I was done. I appreciate everyone's prayer for so many items over the past weeks. Thank you all for praying. Please continue to pray that I won't be afraid of the next round of chemo - and that the symptoms would lessen or at least be bearable and that the chemo would do its work of destroying all the cancer cells.
I was enjoying this verse today: 2 Timothy 1:12b: for I know whom I have believed, and I am persuaded that He is able to guard my deposit unto that day. - I especially enjoyed the first part "for I know Whom I have believed". Sometimes I am bewildered by the life I now live - so different from before - so limited, and rather plain and I wonder why this is necessary. While I don't always have an answer, I know Whom I have believed. I know Him - and that makes the difference in wrestling with unanswerable questions.
Much love,
Joanne

rough going

In addition to getting over the side effects from the last round of chemo, I've been battling side effects from an antibiotic that I need to take since my white blood cells counts were so low - the medicine is really rough on the stomach and intestines. I called the doctor and got permission to not take the last two doses. My mouth still has the horrendous metal taste which makes it hard to take in anything - yikes - so these days are a real test - I guess one verse that I am clinging to is the verse from Psalm 30:5 - Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. Nothing that happens is out of control or without measure - which is a comfort. Please pray that I stay hydrated, and can get some rest - and that I'm able to enter into the rest which is found in Christ -
Time for my shots - I'm so thankful for Paul who has to administer 3 shots a day - please pray for him these days.
Much love,
Joanne