I didn't hear back from Dr. Berlin, but the administrative assistant called with the next chemo appointment - it will be on Monday, March 16th at 7:00 am at Dana-Farber. They only have 3 beds in the desensitization unit so scheduling is challenging. But this gives me another weekend without feeling awful - and I am very grateful for that. I need to see Dr. Berlin to ask her how many more rounds of chemo I have - I think because the last CT scan still showed tumors (although smaller), they will opt for continuing the treatment. I have been pretty strict with eating (no raw veggies) but feel that my diet is not very healthy. Please pray that I will find a way to eat that will strengthen my immune system and also be nourishing. I have been looking into lots of different types of nutritional cancer treatments - some seem impossible to follow, and others seem to be not enough. I am going to see the naturopathic doctor again - I will schedule an appointment next week. I'd like to get his input on what to do as well and then I will pray to see how the Lord leads.
I know I've written about anxiety before - and I have struggled with it over the past years quite a bit - even before the cancer diagnosis. Worry is exhausting. It robs us of our joy and rest and really is the calling card of the enemy. It causes us to get our eyes off the Lord, off of the promises in His word, and to look at what we see - and think that we can go something to affect change in that realm. Really, the worrisome thoughts just try to drag us away from the Lord and resting in Him to try to "handle the situation," which, in turn, causes anxiety, since we really aren't that effective in handling anything. In Philippians, there are verses about anxiety:
Philippians 4: 4-7
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.
5 Let your forbearance be known to all men. The Lord is near.
6 In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
7 And the peace of God, which surpasses every man's understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.
I looked up the reference to forbearance. The footnote says:
52 I.e., reasonableness, considerateness, and consideration in dealing with others, not being strict in claiming one's legal rights. It is in contrast to selfish ambition and vainglory (2:3) and to murmurings and reasonings (2:14). It is Christ Himself as an excellent virtue lived out of the believers.
The footnote for anxiety is as follows:
I.e., worry. Anxiety, coming from Satan, is the sum total of human life and disturbs the believers' life of living Christ; forbearance, coming from God, is the sum total of a life that lives Christ. The two are opposites.
The following is from the Life Study of Philippians, message 61.
Anxiety is the totality of the natural human life. Day by day and even hour by hour, the common human life is filled with anxiety. Every normal human being is anxious. The more sober you are in mind, the more anxious you will be. If you are a person who is thoughtful and careful, you will have a great deal of anxiety. Sensitive people are especially bothered by anxiety. Those who are unusually dull or insensitive may not have much anxiety, but those who are sensitive usually have many anxieties.
Just as anxiety is the totality of common human life, so forbearance is the totality of the proper Christian life. Hence, the words anxiety and forbearance represent two kinds of lives. Among human beings there are only two kinds of lives: the human life and the Christian life. Human life is a life of anxiety, whereas the Christian life is a life of forbearance. If we see this contrast, we shall realize that it is a matter of great importance for Paul to emphasize forbearance and anxiety in chapter four of Philippians. He emphasizes forbearance and anxiety because they represent two different kinds of lives. Every human being is subject to anxiety. But if we are a Christian according to the divine standard, we shall have a life full of forbearance and without anxiety. The first point I would emphasize in this message is that forbearance and anxiety represent two kinds of lives.
Here is a really helpful excerpt from Message 62:
Experiencing His Sufficient Grace
We have seen that to overcome anxiety we need to pray and have fellowship with the Lord and worship Him. Then with thanksgiving we need to make our petitions known. When we do this, we may think that the Lord will always answer us and give us what we ask. However, sometimes the Lord will say no. Consider Paul’s experience of the thorn in the flesh. In 2 Corinthians 12:8 he says, “For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.” However, the Lord denied Paul’s request, and said to him, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness” (v. 9). Therefore, Paul could declare, “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” The crucial point here is that Paul accepted the will of God. He realized that God’s will was to leave the thorn with him so that he could experience His sufficient grace. Because Paul accepted the Lord’s will, he did not have any anxiety.
Yes, we need to pray and petition the Lord with thanksgiving. But when the Lord does not grant our petition, our anxiety may increase instead of decrease. At such a time, we realize that the Lord will not change our situation. Instead, He allows the “thorn” to remain. He knows that we need the thorn. He also needs it that He may reveal His sufficient grace and in addition train us to trust in Him. If we do not accept the Lord’s will but insist on making petitions according to our own will, we shall not be able to escape anxiety.
Suppose you pray to the Lord when you are suffering from a certain illness. The Lord may answer your prayer and heal you. He does this especially on behalf of those who are rather young in their experience of Him. At a later time, however, you may again become sick and ask the Lord to heal you. Instead of healing you suddenly, He may heal you gradually, or He may not heal you at all. Eventually, it may become clear to you that the Lord intends for the illness to remain. If you accept His will in the matter, you will be at peace. You will not have any anxiety.
When Brother Nee was a young man, he suffered from heart disease. Often when he ministered the Word he was in such pain that he had to lean on a stand for support. Although he contracted this disease before he was thirty years of age, he lived with that illness for nearly forty years. Although he knew that he could die from that disease at any time, he accepted the Lord’s will and was not anxious. He realized that his illness was a thorn given him for the fulfillment of God’s purpose.
Trusting the Lord
Accepting the Lord’s will in particular matters not only enables us to experience His sufficient grace; it also teaches us to have a life of trusting the Lord. If the thorn had been taken away from Paul, Paul probably would not have trusted in the Lord as much as he did with the thorn. Simply because the thorn was allowed to remain, day by day Paul had to live a life of trusting in the Lord.
We all prefer that hardships and sufferings be taken away from us. But sometimes the Lord will say, “No, I cannot answer your request. It is better for this thing to remain so that you may learn to trust Me and not be anxious.” If we accept the Lord’s will and trust Him, we shall not be anxious. However, if we do not accept His will or if we do not live by trusting in Him, we shall be anxious.
According to my natural life, I am the kind of person who likes everything to be perfect. If I become ill in some way, my desire is to be healed thoroughly. Even if there is something wrong with an article of clothing, I want it fixed and made perfect. I want everything under my management to be right in every way. But I cannot control whether or not sickness comes to me. The Lord may assign illness to me, realizing that I need it so that I may learn to trust Him and not worry. For this I need to say, “Lord, I thank You that this sickness is a help to me. I also thank You, Lord, that even this fulfills Your purpose.” The more we thank the Lord in this way, the more we shall have forbearance in place of anxiety.
I can truly testify that having this illness has taught me to trust in the Lord more than ever before. I realize now that I cannot orchestrate anything according to what I want or think I need but rather must let the Lord be the Lord and rest in His arrangement.
Here is a wonderful hymn that has comforted me many times throughout my life. I’m sure I’ve posted it more than once on this blog. So please forgive me – but some hymns are worth enjoying over and over:
Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.
Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.
Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.
Oh Lord, may we all enter into the reality of enjoying You as our life of forbearance without anxiety. Bring us into Your rest day by day.
Love to all,
Joanne
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