Hello everyone,
We are still ceilingless in 3 rooms and are awaiting to see what the insurance company will do about funding the repairs. I have been thanking the Lord for those 16 years I lived in a very small house, because now we are crammed into the dining room and our bedroom with Paul's files, the computer, desks etc! While this isn't a great suffering, it has the potential to drive me crazy - so thanking the Lord has been a great way to subdue that urge to complain. I see Dr. Berlin on Wednesday but I won't know anything about the blood tests for a couple of days. Last week I was having abdominal pain but it has subsided - I think I was doing too much with the flooded house.

I don't know if you do this, but usually when a date comes that has significance historically in my life, I pause to consider what have I gained or have I changed much - this self-evaluation is usually not the best endeavor because I often doubt that there has been much change and also wonder if I have gained much of the Lord. Of course, this past Saturday was one of those days as it marked one year since I received the diagnosis and had that moment of having my life flashing before me. At that time, when the doctor told me I had tumors that were most likely cancer, tearfully doing a quick assessment of my life, I said to Paul (my husband), "I have no regrets. I have not spent my life in a vain way pursuing what I thought I would pursue before I met the Lord. He has mercifully rescued me from a life of vanity, pursing the wind, to one of reality, pursuing Him." There was great relief at that moment, that if I had to see the Lord face to face soon, at least I would not be ashamed about how I had spent the days He had given me. What a mercy that was to me.

But then over the next months, I began to seek the Lord about why this was necessary? What was God's point that He was trying to make? I worried that if I didn't learn the lesson, then perhaps I would have to repeat the "class". I think I got the answer. The sufferings, allowed by a faithful God, will be used by Him to bring each of us into more of the reality of Who He is, and will help us explore the depths of supply found in His Word. But suffering cannot be examined separately from God's economy - which is God dispensing Himself into us as our life and life supply. The suffering is not to make us model Christians who bear everything well, but rather to constitute us with God, with the Divine life, and make us utterly dependent on Him. How sad to go through suffering and come out more fortified in natural strength. That is how the world views adversity - that if you endure it, you will come out stronger. But the Lord's view is quite different. His goal is that we would decrease and He would increase; that He would do, as Charles Wesley wrote in the hymn Hark the Herald Angels Sing, Adam's image now erase, stamp Thine image in its place!

Regarding the matter of self-examination or introspection, here is something from the Collected Works of Watchman Nee, vol. 38 that addresses this issue and is really helpful:

Among God's children, there is nothing more damaging than introspection. Let us bear this in mind—the most damaging thing is to turn our gaze inward. This may be even more serious than sin. Sin is readily recognized as such, but introspection is not detected so easily. An unsuspected disease is always more serious and damaging than an apparent one. If you were asked whether it is wrong to be proud, you would immediately answer that it is obviously wrong. If you were asked whether it is wrong to be envious, you would know quite well that it is wrong. These flaws are obvious. But you can become introspective twenty times in a single day without any sense of wrongdoing. If you quarrel, you soon become aware that you have done something wrong; you quickly identify your sickness. But you can be introspective and be totally unaware of its evil. Looking within is the most hurtful thing in the Christian life. Many Christians are given to introspection, and they are living a life of false spirituality. There is no profit in introspection. The greatest damage a Christian can suffer comes from introspection; it will cheat you.

So rather than looking within, we need to look away! (Hebrews 12:2)

Some verses I have been enjoying about this matter of suffering:

Hebrews 12:11
11 Now no discipline at the present time seems to be a matter of joy, but of grief; but afterward it yields the 1apeaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been exercised by it.

1 Peter 1:6-7;
6 In which time you exult, though for a little while at present, if it must be, you have been made sorrowful by various trials,

7 So that the proving of your faith, much more precious than of gold which perishes though it is proved by fire, may be found unto praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;

1 Peter 4:12-13
12 Beloved, do not think that the fiery ordeal among you, coming to you for a trial, is strange, as if it were a strange thing happening to you;

13 But inasmuch as you share in the sufferings of Christ, rejoice, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice exultingly.

Psalm 66:10
10 For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined.

I offer this hymn that is a great way to pray concerning this matter. The hymn was written by Brother Watchman Nee.

1 Olives that have known no pressure
No oil can bestow;
If the grapes escape the winepress,
Cheering wine can never flow;
Spikenard only through the crushing,
Fragrance can diffuse.
Shall I then, Lord, shrink from suff’ring
Which Thy love for me would choose?

Chorus
Each blow I suffer
Is true gain to me.
In the place of what Thou takest
Thou dost give Thyself to me.

2 Do my heart-strings need Thy stretching,
Songs divine to prove?
Do I need for sweetest music
Cruel treatment of Thy love?
Lord, I fear no deprivation
If it draws to Thee;
I would yield in full surrender
All Thy heart of love to see.

3 I’m ashamed, my Lord, for seeking
Self to guard alway;
Though Thy love has done its stripping,
Yet I’ve been compelled this way.
Lord, according to Thy pleasure
Fully work on me;
Heeding not my human feelings,
Only do what pleases Thee.

4 If Thy mind and mine should differ,
Still pursue Thy way;
If Thy pleasure means my sorrow,
Still my heart shall answer, “Yea!”
’Tis my deep desire to please Thee,
Though I suffer loss;
E’en though Thy delight and glory
Mean that I endure the cross.

5 Oh, I’ll praise Thee, e’en if weeping
Mingle with my song.
Thine increasing sweetness calls forth
Grateful praises all day long.
Thou hast made Thyself more precious
Than all else to me:
Thou increase and I decrease, Lord-
This is now my only plea.

In the place of what Thou takest, Thou dost give Thyself to me! Praise the Lord!
What a great exchange! This is a promise we can believe - that the Lord causes all things to work together for good. What is good? That we would be conformed to His image - that self would decrease and He would increase.

I hope this blog has been useful over the past year - it has been a means for the Lord to flow out to reach you all when I have not been physically able. Your encouraging comments have sustained me and have exhibited God's loving care to me.

Much love,
Joanne