An Update and a Reflection

I wanted to update everyone on a few things. Apparently following the last surgery, I developed a hernia which is now manifesting itself as a grapefruit sized protrusion. The CT scan showed a hernia that involved a bowel loop - so next week I have to see a surgeon about this. Please pray for wisdom in this decision. Also I developed some bleeding again and will need to see a gynecologist for evaluation. Since these issues don't really involve oncologists, I have to go to new doctors. I also have some hearing loss in my left ear as a result of the chemo - so I really can't hear people to talk to me from other rooms or floors of the house! Otherwise, I have energy each day and really enjoy my work at Boston Trinity. The library is coming along, and it is wonderful for me to have the opportunity to be there.
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This morning I was considering how in my life I had settled down into a somewhat comfortable spiritual position - to use a popular phrase - I lived much of my life in a spiritual "comfort zone" of sorts. Of course, it hasn't been all comfort outwardly, but I was able to find comfort in my experiences of the Lord's sustaining me and carrying me through. Then last April came and I was told I had cancer. As I've said before, this was not part of my plan, no way was I going to find any comfort in what lay ahead. And this is precisely the place where the Lord had to bring me, so I would lay hold of Him as the Comforter and journey through the situations and circumstances in and with Him. This realization shows how thorough and fine the Lord's dealing with us is - He desires to transform every part of our being until we are the same as He.
This experience reminds me of the experience of the Seeker in Song of Songs 5:2-5:

2 I sleep, but my heart is awake. A sound! My beloved is knocking: Open to me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one; For my head is full of dew, My locks with the drops of night.

3 I have put off my garment; How can I put it on again? I have washed my feet; How can I dirty them again?

4 My beloved put his hand into the opening of the door, And my inner parts yearned for him.

5 I rose up to open to my beloved; And my hands dripped with myrrh, My fingers with liquid myrrh, Upon the handles of the bolt.

Watchman Nee writes in The Song of Songs: "Song of Songs 5:2 says, "I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night." By this time, her own work and life have ceased. She is like one who is asleep; there is no further activity, work, endeavoring, struggle, effort, or anxiety. She is perfectly at rest...
This is a picture of a person's contentment in his own experience, and a failure to see the importance of experiencing Philippians 3:10 [To know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,] in a full way. Subconsciously, the self has crept in. The maiden sees only herself. It seems that her past experiences in God's work and glory have occupied a place in her already. Her questions indicate that she does not want to change her present spiritual condition. But the Lord's calling interrupts our present condition. All spiritual progress involves a change of our present order. This is where the price lies. An attachment to spiritual ease is often the reason behind a rejection of higher callings. When we are spiritually at ease and our conscience does not condemn us concerning any error, and when we find ourselves having many spiritual experiences that issue from the Lord's death and resurrection, we are reluctant to pursue after the goal Christ has set for us. We prefer to live in the same way, not spending additional effort to pursue new things and not losing our present peace."

How faithful the Lord is to come to us in our comfort and call us again. He calls us and He reveals Himself to us to remind us of all that He is and has done for us. What a tender, loving Savior!

This interaction with the Lord reminds me of a hymn I have enjoyed over the years:

Come in, O come! the door stands open now;
I knew Thy voice, Lord Jesus, it was Thou;
The sun has set long since, the storms begin;
’Tis time for Thee, my Savior, O come in!

Alas, ill ordered shows the dreary room;
The household stuff lies heaped amidst the gloom,
The table empty stands, the couch undressed;
Ah, what a welcome for th’Eternal Guest!

Yet welcome, and tonight this doleful scene
Is e’en itself my cause to hail Thee in;
This dark confusion e’en at once demands
Thine own bright presence, Lord, and ord’ring hands.

I seek no more to alter things, or mend,
Before the coming of so great a Friend;
All were at best unseemly, and ’twere ill
Beyond all else to keep Thee waiting still.

Come, not to find, but make this troubled heart
A dwelling worthy of Thee as Thou art;
To chase the gloom, the terror, and the sin:
Come, all Thyself, yea come, Lord Jesus, in!

While this hymn could be the cry of an unbeliever who is opening up to the Lord for the first time, I also have experienced that, while the Lord does indwell my heart, I have areas, regions, that I have closed off to Him. This hymn has been my prayer many mornings. "Lord, Come - not to find but to make this troubled heart a worthy dwelling of Thee as Thou art."

So, when the light comes, and we realize that we have been settling down in our comfortable past experiences of Christ, we can open to Him just as we are because He is the unique answer, the only cure for our troubled heart.

May the Lord continue to supply you with all-sufficient grace!
Joanne